by Cameron Foster

Created on: November 11, 2009   Last Updated: November 12, 2009

Polls over the years have shown that sex, money, and compatibility are the three main stress issues in most relationships, but of course the entire list is very long.

Living for sex is an unhealthy way to look at life, but so is ignoring the need for it. It seems more typical for men to need regular sexual release than women, although this is certainly not uniform.

Money usually becomes a point of contention when one (or both) partners spend without regard to their budget. This may take on the form of a shopping addiction, or excessive spending on recreation or even giving away too much helping others. Failing to agree on money issues can be just as devastating if not more so than sex. No one really needs sex to live, although they may insist otherwise, but everyone has to have money to survive.

From a woman's point of view the compatability portion revolves around security. If a man insults his wife (such as you're too fat lose some weight, you are stupid, etc) he will just dig a hole for himself. Hurtful words generally cause both men and women to raise their shields. It makes their spirit withdraw. Men thrive on appreciation and helpfulness from their spouse.

A woman who constantly nags is asking for trouble. In the man's mind, if he is fed up enough, he might venture elsewhere for a kind word, laughter, and of course sex too. Once this happens, little useful dialogue will take place until the hurt goes away.

When there are serious issues, comfort is sought in everything from liquor to food to an illicit lover (for both genders). Examples: Why would a man who drinks excessively and is verbally abusive (habitually) be surprised if his wife cheats on him? How can a 400-pound woman be astonished if her husband finds this unattractive and difficult to enjoy? It's ludicrous to expect your mate to just put up with a serious problem if it's fixable. Of course, the game changes if you have a disability you can't improve. The other spouse should be supportive and caring as this is part of love.

Be honest but tactful in discussing problems with your partner, and don't sneak around. A little pain now is better than a life of sneaking around with big heartbreak later!

Many may stray because they seek with another what they had with you in the beginning. This might take the form of sex, excitement, adventure, or a less demanding relationship. Laziness can ruin a relationship just as fast as violence.

A cheater probably wants nothing more than to remain with you. The fire should be re-kindled. Although this is very difficult with multiple children in the home, it is not impossible.

Insisting on counseling is a good start, followed by accountability from a close friend, pastor, or other credible person. Never use family members as this will polarize things. If the offending person refuses to accept some accountability, then a tough decision will have to be made of whether to stay or leave. A refusal to seek help shows a lack of sincerity, or perhaps it is fear of being found guilty. Most guilty people find a way to blame others and thus the victim mentality and indignation which cheaters often use to justify their deed.

The circumstance of the sin needs to be taken into account. A five-year affair is different than one night of weakness, although they may share a root cause. Repeat performers should most certainly be shown the door, but one mistake should not destroy a good thing: if indeed it's worth saving.

Bottom line: I believe a cheating spouse may regain the other's trust if they're truly repentant, it's not a repeat issue, and if the faithful spouse is not primarily to blame for the problem.

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