by Amanda Banning

Created on: November 11, 2009

There is not a soul on the earth who has not experienced emotional pain at some level. It is a part of our rite of passage. How we deal with our pain will impact the rest of our lives, even if it is only in a small way. Our experiences mold our thinking, our perception, and consequently our behavior from that point forward. The deeper the hurt, the richer the pain. If it stirs us to make life changes, then it certainly can result in personal growth, - or a nagging depression. Either way, that pain will always be a part of us. We can see it, we can taste it, and when we allow our selves to reflect, - we can feel it all over again. For some of us, deep emotional pain can become a way of life, in that it is always with us, -fenced off in the back of our mind. It can be raw and angry as when it first happened. Sometimes it is blended with regret, sadness or bitterness. It eats away at us, - like an acid. This I know to be true, because it is my own painful reality.

I have tried so very hard to make my pain mean nothing. It has not worked well for me. How can I convince myself that the hurt means nothing when it constantly shows me that it is there? Surely, if I have such instant recall, the pain must be significant enough to have power over me even now. It must still mean something to me for me to still hurt so deeply, .. and it does still hurt so very deeply. It is a part of me, a part that I hide from the world and carry deep inside. It is a part of who I am. It reflects in how I see the world around me and how I gauge future hurts and pain. I tell myself constantly that I am not the same person I was back then. I am guilty of the reverberating echo in the back of my head, you know the one,.If I knew then what I know now. I remind myself constantly that I am not the same. I handled it the best way I knew how at the time, but the hurt makes me doubt myself over and over again. The pain is an acid that constantly eats away at my serenity, and I seem powerless to stop it.

I tell myself I should have known better. I should have known that something was wrong. Why did I not think more wisely at the time? I rationalize that I hurt now because I did not do the right thing then. So, is my pain my own guilt? Not totally, but I know that is a definitive part of it. It doesn't matter to me now, I only know that it hurts so deeply inside that I cannot soothe the ache it causes.

I knew better that to be out and alone that far from home. I never thought anything would happen

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