by Margaret Crites

Created on: February 15, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Living with an unrelated roommate is a phase of life pretty much everyone ought to experience at some point in their lives. Here are some pointers for making it work more smoothly.

First, at the very beginning, establish house rules and boundaries. Discuss over night guests, how many nights a guest can stay without contributing to the upkeep of the household, are there different expectations for romantic guests? Decide what the expectations are for visitors in private versus common areas of the living space. Decide who pays for what common items. If a bathroom/kitchen are to be shared, who has responsibility for providing products such as soap, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. Work out expectations for cleaning, doing dishes, tidiness. Having well defined house rules and boundaries can help prevent petty arguments.

Second, decide how much time you expect to spend together. Is the sharing of space a business relationship or is there an expectation of friendship? I think it is a mistake to be too involved with a roommate if there was not a friendship there to begin with. And, I think you can ruin a friendship by not respecting boundaries.

Third, don't let problems fester. For small stuff, decide if it's worth a confrontation or new rule or reminder of an already established rule. If the issue is big enough, consider planning a "roommate meeting" - possibly away from the living space. If the issue is really big, consider engaging a third party (professional) to help facilitate the conversation. Many cities have conflict resolution centers that can help in difficult situations. You might consider having an impartial friend or counselor involved.

Lastly, remember, every person is different. Everyone has a different value system for how they spend their money and time. Each person washes dishes differently, vacuums differently, etc. So long as it gets done and there are no serious health risks, don't expect everyone to have the same standards or habits as you. This is one of the joys of living with a roommate - learning new ways of functioning. Also, it can help prepare you for sharing space with a long term, romantic partner some day.

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