Before offering sympathy or accepting sympathy there is a downside to consider. Sympathy is not the only option open to a victim of crime or someone who has lost a loved one. Accepting sympathy as consolation for failing an exam or ending a relationship is not always useful. There are more effective ways to provide consolation, or to be helped, which do not involve sympathy.

* Death

Practical help can be of more assistance than sympathy to the recently bereaved. Knowing there is someone to rely on is of more valuable than sympathetic words. The downside of sympathy over the death of a loved one is that it puts more emphasis on the loss.

Talk with fondness and affection about the deceased, and recall some of the happiest moments. Allow the bereaved to feel gratitude and to remember what George Eliot once wrote, "Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them."

* Divorce or the end of a relationship

Sympathy will not mend a broken heart. Seeking sympathy is a way to feed self pity, and offering sympathy over a broken relationship can invokes more sorrow and a greater sense of loss.

Separation and divorce can cause feelings of hatred, bitterness or regret. It is best not to take sides. You can be more supportive by keeping in close contact, making sure the newly separated person is not left alone feeling lonely or getting depressed.

* Failure

When someone is feeling bad or in despair after failing in some endeavor, sympathy is not really helpful in overcoming negativity. Reassurance is better than sympathy.

You will be more supportive if you offer encouragement rather than sympathy. There could be a second chance or another way to achieve success. Suggest retraining or better preparation, so next time there is a good chance of success.

* Crime

Victims of crime do deserve sympathy but if the focus of that sympathy is on being a victim, it will not help much. Identifying someone as a victim can invoke more fear in that person. A feeling of helplessness can cause bitterness, hatred or a desire for revenge, rather than allowing legal justice to deal with the perpetrator.

Reassurance is needed more than sympathy. Be supportive and help to rebuild confidence. Make certain that person is more secure and less at risk in future.

The downside of sympathy is that it reinforces the idea of being a victim, focuses on failure or deepens the feeling of loss. There is no consolation in that. It is of little help to someone who is already suffering. Real concern for others should lead to genuine offers of support. Words of encouragement and reassurance, rather than sympathy, will allow those who suffer to see the way ahead, and to feel better about their future prospects.

Learn more about this author, Ruth Belena.
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