by Carmel Brulez

Created on: November 10, 2009   Last Updated: November 11, 2009

THE ROLE OF COMPATIBILITY IN RELATIONSHIPS

It is all very well saying you are marrying your partner because you love them and they love you but even if we assume that you really do love each other, and it is not just lust or infatuation, love alone will rarely be enough to make a relationship work. Without compatibility, the two people end up disagreeing on important things, or seeing things differently or having different values and goals and one either gives in all the time to please the other with resentment setting in, or they are constantly pulling in different directions where life becomes a tug of war with a lot of effort put in for very little gain or no gain at all.

When we decide to move in and live with someone and say they will be our monogamous partner we need to know that we are able to make them happy. It is short sighted to think goody goody they are moving in with me and then get lazy and complacent. That only means we are moving in with a wimp who is scared to voice their needs and opinions and is not worth being with, or we will be with someone where we have problems because they voice their differences of opinions and needs. The wisest thing to do is to find out if we have the same needs and values as them before moving in with them, as there is very little chance that we or they will change their mind later.

For example, if we long to have children and we move in with someone who does not want to have children, this will become a huge stumbling block. We will either have to give in to their wishes as though they are superior and more important than ours, or constantly bring this subject up with no chance of them changing their mind. Even if they do change their mind it might be because we nag them and complain rather than because they honestly want the same as us. It would be very foolish to keep nagging them or con them into having a baby with us and just as foolhardy to insist the one who wants the baby get an abortion or get the baby adopted.

Likewise if one of us likes to travel to lots of different countries and would want to spend the majority of their money on traveling and holidays there is no point in getting together with someone who prefers to stay at home and watch television every evening. Getting out lots of brochures and showing them photos of beautiful hotels will probably not spur them on to change their lifestyle choices and we have no right to dictate to them that our choices are better or more right than theirs.

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