by Glen Headland

Created on: November 09, 2009

WHICH COUNTRY IS THE BEST IN EUROPE TO LIVE IN?

There is only one answer to this - England. I know, because I live there and what an unbelievable place it is.

Let's start with the British Stiff Upper Lip. A wondrous attribute, the SUL enables true Brits to hide their shabby, misaligned teeth under the pretext of an inherent aristocracy. Honed over centuries of intrepid travelling and the acquisition of any country or race that wasn't actually ours, this little characteristic has now taken the form of a certain arrogance, which stands us Brits in good stead when trying to explain ourselves in the current, more politically correct society being thrust upon us by more enlightened countries. It also saves a fortune in dental care, which is just as well as you can't find a decent dentist for love nor money because the National Health System has gone to Hell in a hay cart.

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Not to worry - leave the perfect smile to our Transatlantic friends. We have more important things to worry about. Like our truly outstanding democratic system, wherein we are now being led like sheep to the slaughter by an unelected Prime Minister hell bent on selling England by the pound. And what a good job he's doing. No country in the world, with such a mandate, could ask for more from their leader. He excels himself. I applaud him. Not that he wants my opinion. Ever. On anything. And it's a great relief to know I don't have to decide whether my England should be part of a Eurostate or not, because the Scots guy is doing it for me.

We are not, of course supposed to discuss this, lest Nanny State steps in and slaps us on the wrist for stepping out of line in the playground, but at least we can depend on the weather as a topic of conversation. Rain is such an emotive subject, don't you find? And you can be sure we've all got an opinion about it, because we're not allowed an opinion about anything else and it's the only thing that's not being taxed right now.

Not that tax issues are something I understand, given that the unemployment rate is at it's highest since 1997 and nobody's got any money. How you can tax nothing is beyond comprehension, but we Brits are nothing if not optimistic and quite sure they'll find a way.

"It's all gloom and doom," you might think, but you'd be wrong. You've overlooked the great British sense of humour. You'll find it everywhere you go. Thought you were going to catch a train? Wrong! We were only teasing. Fancy a good British pint? It's French. British born and bred and in need of a little help from the system you've paid into all your life? Well, just fill out these 587 forms in blood, in Latin, and return them by the 84th of Practober and we'll see what we can do. It's easy enough. You've had a British education haven't you? Ooops, sorry, your signature has gone outside the box, your application is null and void and I've a queue of asylum seekers to attend to......

Ah, good old England. There's really nowhere quite like it. So, if you're looking for somewhere to live in Europe, come there. Everybody else does.

And things can only get better.

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