by James Hammell

Created on: November 09, 2009

Tenting is marvelous if you enjoy setting up the tent while being drenched, as the heavens above release a torrent of rain down upon you. And the wind howls chilling your damp carcass to the bone. Pound in the ground stakes with a wet slippery hammer bending the crap out of them as you hit one boulder after another; each of them placed just under the soft earth to antagonize you by some forest ogre. Finally the poles are in place and you raise the tent and the large puddle of water that was laying on it runs through the mesh windows into the inside of the tent that is now shivering in the cold wind. Of course this means that when you place your sleeping-bag inside; the bottom of it will soak up the water like a thirsty sponge.

While the RVer sits under his awning trying to not laugh loudly at your predicament while attempting to concentrate on the thick delicious tender steaks on the barbecue in front of him. Believe me he much appreciated your efforts, if only for the entertainment value.

Now you go about the task of attaching the canopy of blue tarps to trees, picnic tables and the rack on the canopy of your pick-up truck. Soaked to the bone you jump into your truck to race down to where they keep the firewood. Oops you forgot that you had anchored the tarp to the canopy.

Now your neighbor in the RV is rolling around on the matt under his awning clutching his aching sides laughing his guts out. When he composes himself his wife brings him two beers and an umbrella from inside the warm lit-up, dry trailer with two slides. He offers you a bud and invites you and your family inside to dry off and warm up. You accept the beer and down it but decline the offer of comfort which your damp family quite willingly and graciously accept. Now the small audience in the RV has grown as you struggle to raise your tattered rag of a tarp. It is now that you notice the minions of mosquitoes that are now feasting on any exposed portion of damp cold flesh.

Finally camp is set up; you've managed to gather a couple of armfuls of damp heavy firewood. You manage to miraculously start a fire, not without pouring your cherished bottle of vodka and a bottle of rubbing alcohol over the firewood first though. Because you are avid and a traditionalist you build a rack with soaking wet branches over the fire and place a pot of water on top of it for washing purposes as you stand cooking your dinner of pork and beans on the two burner camp-stove. There is a of flash of light and a clap of thunder. Wow that is close and you look up at the umbrella you are holding with its metal shaft and tip in a raging lightening storm. Distracted by all this you fail to see the branch rack catch fire, the pot full of water fall over and put out the fire that took you an hour and a half to start.

Yes all this will make great memories when you are older and wiser as you sit in the warmth of your 32 foot trailer with two slides eating a tender steak and drinking a good bottle of wine.

Tenting is for the young and the masochistic, thank you.

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