Pearls Before Pandemic

[How America's youth discovered a cure for Government Health Care]

Now that Congress has apparently graduated from med school, they're putting their vast medical knowledge to good use, cobbling together 20,000 leagues of legislation to ensure we can all get sick for free, get dead when deemed best for the collective, and get buried under a bunch of new taxes.

We know the plan will work; after all, some real doctors dressed in white lab coats posed for a picture at the White House.

So far, so good.

On the down side, the bill, intended to insure everyone, doesn't. The bill, boasting to "bend the curve" of rising health care costs, can't. And the bill, promising to lower insurance premiums, won't.

On the plus side, nobody, including Congress, has read the bill. For all we know, it could guarantee free candy for all, and new teeth on demand.

So let's take a quick look at how they're managing their first health care issue: the flu.

DISCLAIMER: Nothing that follows is true. I hope.

December 2008

World health panels predict a new strain of the Swine Flu. George Bush is blamed.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) admits they have no vaccines for a flu named after a farm animal.

The White House admits they have no experience managing health crises (or, for that matter, anything else). But they do have unlimited funds with which to convert their fumblings into flawed public policy.

Congress adjourns for the month.

January 2009

CDC determines that teenagers may need 2 different shots, administered in 2 different states.

The Swine Czar consults political donors to see if anybody wants to become a supplier of vaccines and get very rich.

Congress remembers that they forgot to include the flu in the Health Care Bill. They respond quickly, adjourning for a long weekend.

February 2009

Vaccine contracts are awarded to a Chicago union shop that, naturally, makes hubcaps.

The White House defends the decision diplomatically, stating, "You gotta problem with that?"

CDC confirms that teenagers will have to get 2 shots, especially if they've started dating. The hubcap union immediately strikes, demanding overtime.

Obama insists that he inherited the CDC from George Bush.

Congress approves a new tax to print 350 million copies of "How To Sneeze Into Your Inner Elbow For Dummies."

March 2009

CDC updates its analysis, hoping that teenagers will only need 1 shot, unless they're really large teenagers.

Congress discovers a typo in the Health Care Bill, resulting

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