Lets see first there was Heather- the ex-gymnast with severe OCD. She rearranged my entire bookshelf while I was sleeping. Then there was Britney, the seemingly innocent vegan/ eco-activist who slapped me when I the salad I ordered came with ham and eggs on it. After that was Taylor, the dark and brooding poet type. We drank coffee until the sun came up, danced to great music and talked about all those deep, oh-so-important issues then she told me she was a vampire and asked if I would be willing to be her donor. And then, there was Kathryn- the totally cool, down to earth, fun, normal, red-blooded lesbian who after three dates wanted nothing more to do with me.
Ah, the adventures of online dating. You see a profile you like, send an email, wait for a response, trade numbers, talk some more, meet up, enjoy each others company and wait Wait for that moment when you realize the person sitting across the table from you is either A.) completely insane, B.) Broken, battered and worn or C.) Way out of your league and knows it.
It's the little things that lead to that moment: How she introduces herself in that first email, what her interests are, how that first meeting goes (Does it start with a handshake, a hug, no physical contact of any kind?) and a whole lot more. So here are my tips for reading a few of the red flags while looking for Mrs. Right online:
1. BE AFRAID. Be very afraid. We've all heard those Internet safety spiels, and they are all right. You have no idea who you are talking to. So take precautions. Don't lay everything out on the table and if the person you are corresponding with does, then be wary. For instance when Heather said, Honestly, being neat and cleanly are two of my top priorities. Along with punctuality and organization. I can't stand messy people or messy places. To which I interpreted as, I expect you not to smell. I would really appreciate it if you didn't leave dirty dishes in the sink. And please, if you ask me out, don't be late. When in reality I should have taken it as, If you have any trace of dirt on the bottom of your shoes, I will scrub them and your feet before you can take a step into my apartment. I keep everything in perfect, alphabetical and color coordinated order. And I live on a military like schedule where five minutes early is on time, on time is late and late is unacceptable.
2. Be honest, but not too honest. I'm not saying you should lie, but lets face it, we all want to seem impressive. But remember, if you're embellishing or diminishing, odds are so is the other person. Like when Britney said she Loves animals and for me, anything with a face can never be food or clothing. I try not to force my views on others though. I think it's important that everyone make their own moral and ethical choices. I should have realized that she actually meant to say, I'm an extremist. And I surround myself with other extremist. Order something that could have once had a smile and I'll slap that blood hungry smirk right off your skin eating face!
3. Be prepared. Always have an exit strategy. You know how some people keep and I.C.E (In Case of Emergency) phone number in their cell phones? Well, because you never know what could happen when you meet up with someone you met online, you should have an I.C.C.L (In Case of Crazy Lesbian) number as well. A good example of a time I could have really used an I.C.C.L is the night Taylor told me she loved how soft and thin the skin on my neck looked and how the sound of my heart beating was making her hungrier than a starving wild animal. OK, perhaps that example is a bit extreme in comparison to the usual occasions when you could use a number like this - Dinner conversation is lagging and you just don't feel that spark? Or maybe you didn't realize she's a total workaholic until you got to dinner and her cell wont stop ringing? The possibilities for needing to end a date quickly and efficiently are endless.
And number 4. Don't take it to personally. Keep in mind that the people you meet online are a tiny, minuscule percentage of the people in the world who could be your possible Mrs. Right. It hurts when you finally click with someone and they don't feel the same way about you, but you can't let it stop you from jumping right back in to the dating pool and finding someone new. It took a while for me to want to see any more of my possible matches after Kathryn told me I'm just not feeling this. But I did. I'm onto a whole new onslaught of crazy and I can't wait to see whom I'll meet next.