by Lara Lewis

Created on: November 07, 2009

Lets see first there was Heather- the ex-gymnast with severe OCD. She rearranged my entire bookshelf while I was sleeping. Then there was Britney, the seemingly innocent vegan/ eco-activist who slapped me when I the salad I ordered came with ham and eggs on it. After that was Taylor, the dark and brooding poet type. We drank coffee until the sun came up, danced to great music and talked about all those deep, oh-so-important issues then she told me she was a vampire and asked if I would be willing to be her donor. And then, there was Kathryn- the totally cool, down to earth, fun, normal, red-blooded lesbian who after three dates wanted nothing more to do with me.

Ah, the adventures of online dating. You see a profile you like, send an email, wait for a response, trade numbers, talk some more, meet up, enjoy each others company and wait Wait for that moment when you realize the person sitting across the table from you is either A.) completely insane, B.) Broken, battered and worn or C.) Way out of your league and knows it.

It's the little things that lead to that moment: How she introduces herself in that first email, what her interests are, how that first meeting goes (Does it start with a handshake, a hug, no physical contact of any kind?) and a whole lot more. So here are my tips for reading a few of the red flags while looking for Mrs. Right online:

1. BE AFRAID. Be very afraid. We've all heard those Internet safety spiels, and they are all right. You have no idea who you are talking to. So take precautions. Don't lay everything out on the table and if the person you are corresponding with does, then be wary. For instance when Heather said, Honestly, being neat and cleanly are two of my top priorities. Along with punctuality and organization. I can't stand messy people or messy places. To which I interpreted as, I expect you not to smell. I would really appreciate it if you didn't leave dirty dishes in the sink. And please, if you ask me out, don't be late. When in reality I should have taken it as, If you have any trace of dirt on the bottom of your shoes, I will scrub them and your feet before you can take a step into my apartment. I keep everything in perfect, alphabetical and color coordinated order. And I live on a military like schedule where five minutes early is on time, on time is late and late is unacceptable.

2. Be honest, but not too honest. I'm not saying you should lie, but lets face it, we all want to seem impressive. But remember, if you're

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