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Childhood abuse always affects every single child it happens to, and this will overflow into the rest of their lives. But if you ask an adult who has been abused as a child if it has affected them, many of them will deny it and insist it has made no difference to how they are or how their life is. This is partly because they do not know what their life would have been like if the abuse had not happened, but it is also because they do not want to admit to themselves that they are not the same person they would have been, that would make them even more of a victim than they had already believed themselves to be.

With some adults who have been victims of child abuse they can grow up into perfectly normal, nice, reasonable and loving adults. But we cannot take it for granted and assume that this is always the case or take the victim's word for it. For one thing, the victim has no idea of what they would have been life if things had been different; for another, they are biased and do not want to admit the truth to themselves or you.

Some victims of abuse grow up into caring people, but people who are very needy and have a problem with relationships, because they lack confidence and self-esteem. Their way to have relationships is to choose people who are safe and solid even if that person is unsuitable in other ways, or they allow history to repeat itself and choose abusers and form relationships with them. The abuse may not be as obvious as it would have been years ago when they were children, perhaps they choose a partner who is constantly nagging them, or a partner who wastes money and expects them to foot the bill all the time, there is no need to assume that the abuse is always physical or sexual or planned. If a person is inadequate or not whole they will have problems in finding a whole person who wishes to form a relationship with them so they are only left with people who are incomplete in themselves, people who also have a problem with forming or keeping relationships, but for different reasons.

Other victims of childhood abuse grow up to become abusers. They are in the minority, but it does happen. Again, it may not be physical or sexual, it may be that they tend to be bossy and demanding. But that is still abuse. They will make excuses for their behaviour and insist that their partner or children deserve the criticisms so there is no point in asking them if they are right or wrong and expecting an honest or realistic reply.

Many victims of childhood abuse find it hard to believe that anyone could truly love them, value them and respect them, so they tend to be suspicious of people and relationships. Some become lonely loners others form relationships which are superficial with no honesty or openness.

When victims of childhood abuse find it hard to cope with how they feel, they sometimes turn to alcohol or drugs. It is not because they are true addicts; it is because they begin to self-medicate and are desperate to feel better and know no other way to make this happen. Part of them is fed up with life anyway, so they do not see becoming ill or dying as a terrible consequence.

Having spent many years working with and helping victims of childhood abuse, it still makes me angry that people can be so selfish as to abuse a child, knowing the harm it does to them for the rest of their life. It is a totally selfish act. Luckily, some victims manage to get the help they desperately need so that they can be happy and function properly; sadly, others do not.

Learn more about this author, Carmel Brulez.
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