by Tim Rosanelli

Created on: November 05, 2009

Time-outs are an excellent tool for managing children's problem behavior. Standard guidelines state that the length of time should equal the child's age in minutes. For example, if the child is four years old, the time-out period becomes four minutes. Some experts tell you to use a kitchen timer to time the correct amount for the time-out.

All of these ideas are great but in my experience with children, problems develop at the most inopportune times when a kitchen timer or watch is not available.

However, this does not need to be a problem. These suggested amounts of time are guidelines not rules. I don't feel that the timing is as important as the purpose of the time-out. The purpose of the time-out is to gain compliance, set boundaries, and establish your expectations. The time-out should be long enough to meet these goals and put your child in a calm, submissive state of mind.

Establishing a calm, receptive attitude in your child should require only a few minutes. Anything more is excessive and harsh. Excessive and harsh punishments will cause resentment that lead to dissonance in your child. For example, sending your child to their room for a whole afternoon would be considered excessive. Excessively long time-outs will lead to your child to lying, cajoling, and arguing their case like a trial lawyer to get out of the long time-outs.

It's my belief that the time-out guideline of one minute per years of age is a reminder to the parent to stick with shorter time-outs compared to longer time-outs. Shorter time-outs effectively get your message across and set the boundaries that you require.

You can't measure the best time-out in minutes. The real test of the method is the results achieved through the time-out. The time-out is successful if you set boundaries and re-direct or extinguish poor behavior. Time-outs give the child a few moments to reflect on their behavior and recompose themselves - generating the desired results out of the experience.

For parents, the time-out does most of the heavy lifting and returns your child to the calm state of mind sort of like rebooting a computer. Also, it provides the parent with a well deserved break give them the opportunity regroup and address the situation appropriately.

Remember that time-outs are not punishment so much as a learning experience for your child. By using the time-outs, this learning takes only a few minutes to achieve and put your child on the path of terrific behavior.

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