We know them by all sorts of names: Rescuer, White Knights, Florence Nightingales, Mr. or Ms. Fix-It. But no matter what moniker is assigned the problem is the same; sometimes people in relationships mistake a need to be needed for love.

So, how can you tell if you're really into that great new guy or gal or whether the attraction is simply the desire to make a few needed repairs? Usually, the tendency to "fix" doesn't simply appear spontaneously. People who lean toward the rescuer role generally have had a long history of this behavior.

Take my sister's high school friend "Sally." As a young married mom, Sally was always taking in stray animals: dogs, cats, rabbits; she once kept an injured squirrel in her kitchen, feeding him warm milk with a medicine dropper and sitting up with him all night trying to make sure that he didn't die. The menagerie in Sally's home became so extensive that her marriage suffered and eventually died a painful death. But did that cause her to reform her habit of rescuing strays? Not on your life! By most recent accounts Sally is now married to a young foreign friend who was in dire need of a green card!

According to life strategist Taron Puri, in his article Relationship Rescue: Exploring the Dynamics Behind Being a Rescuer most rescuers believe that by fixing others, their own needs will be met. The problem is, however that this strategy rarely works for either the rescuer or the rescued. It can lead to burnout and resentment in the fixer and set up a dangerous cycle of co-dependency with the person being fixed.

A recent article by Paul Liberatore in the Marin Independent Journal features a new book by psychologists Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger called "White Knight Syndrome." In it, Lamia and Krieger outline some of the telltale signs of "White Knight Syndrome."

Do you find yourself repeatedly attracted to "needy" people or folks with lots of drama in their lives? Do you believe that the strength of your love alone can "save" these people? Do you feel responsible for the other person? Are you more invested in finding solutions to your partner's issues than he or she is? Do you feel bored or unfulfilled when there is no crisis to solve?

Healthy relationships are generally balanced with both partners giving and receiving help and support in relatively equal proportions. There may not always be a perfect 50-50 balance but over the course of the relationship you should be able to cite a similar number of examples in which each partner was both the caregiver and the one receiving care.

Contrary to popular belief it is possible to be too giving. While the rescuer may believe it is the other partner that needs "saving" it is often the rescuer who is far more troubled. Poor self-esteem, obsessive-compulsive tendencies and eventually, feelings of resentment stemming from the lopsided nature of the relationship can cause long term mental health issues for the rescuer. The consequences for the rescued party are no less severe. The person may quickly grow accustomed to the idea that their significant other will always be there to "save" them and as a result these individuals never develop the skills and competencies needed to begin solving challenges for themselves.

Is there any way out of the destructive "fixer" mode? The website Livestrong.com offers some good tips on developing the levels of detachment needed in order to break out of the white knight mold. In order to shake the habit of trying to fulfill your own emotional needs by "fixing" others you must

Limit your contact with needy people and their problems. Try to remember that these are not your battles to fight Reassert your authority over your own life. Don't allow the other person's issues to always dictate how you will experience the world Show willingness to release the person and their problems to some higher power. Try to remember that there are many things that are simply beyond your control Commit to taking care of your own needs and resolving your own issues. If you focus on the underlying issues that drive your need to be needed you'll have a better chance of breaking the destructive cycle

Finally, understand that being a "fixer" may not necessarily be confined to your relationship with your spouse or romantic partner. As a parent I have had to come to grips with my own rescuer tendencies when dealing with an adolescent son suffering from mental illness and substance abuse problems. Adult children of elderly or infirm parents may also need to work diligently to keep their inclination to rescue at every turn in check. I once had a co-worker who joked that she should start charging a nickel for psychiatric counseling like the "Peanuts" comic strip character, Lucy Van Pelt because of the constant stream of employees streaming into her office for advice.

Those guilty of lapsing into fix-it mode must remember two important rules:

1. There is usually some underlying issue in your life that is prompting you to seek out the needy people around you. Therefore, you need to "fix" your own issues first before you can really and truly help someone else and; 2. Well-intentioned rescuers can often do more harm than good by preventing needy individuals from figuring out various issues on their own

As writer Gloria Naylor once said, "Sometimes, being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence, a time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny and a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."

Learn more about this author, Robin Landry.
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