I simply do not have the DISCIPLINE to be an alcoholic. Don't scoff. I am serious. What is wrong with me?
Many people will not even have a beer because alcoholism "runs in the family." Can someone tell me what happens if one of these people accidentally, I don't know, takes a bite of alcohol basted food that hasn't had all the liquor cooked out yet? Is it like the Hulk? "You wouldn't want to see me after an ill-made rum cake. Drunk smash you!"
No, I have heard, alcoholism is a serious problem. Not one I have any threat of contracting, however. Contracting? Is that the right word? It is a disease, right? Wait; is it communicable?
If I "caught" this disease could I be, like, latently disqualified? You know, like voted out of an AA meeting? Because I think they would be on to me. Even if Alcoholism is communicable, I do not think it would solve my inability to keep up with the responsibility of being a drunk. It is not a Super Villain Disease that can and must do a total K-O of a person's system. Because, I cannot figure it out. How can alcoholics become alcoholics and then subsequently maintain it? Really, isn't that a requirement, "alcoholics are ALWAYS alcoholics?" Assuming, of course, spontaneous generation-the sudden appearance of organisms not previously present-is still a disproved scientific notion; would the theory gain revival with Alcoholism as the missing catalyst to the random appearance of the necessary fermentation entities that leach onto the first available item for the conversion into booze for the alcoholic to consume? If liquor does not, indeed, spontaneously appear, then don't drunks have to BUY their drinks?
To get the money to buy booze within the unbendable bounds of the law, I would need:
1) to be of legal age in most jurisdictions
2) have the money to make the purchase
This begs the notion of obtaining the means to gain the necessary currency for such a transaction, yes? As in a job? So, then, assuming gaining employment, performing the job, getting paid, buying the alcohol to become a drunk...how does one keep said job?
I mean alcoholics are, well, frequently drunk, and, therefore, too chemically incapacitated to:
1) operate heavy machinery 2) drive a car 3) have a baby (so that the alcoholism can be perpetuated "in the family")Right? So beyond that first paycheck or maybe first few, how can a person maintain the employment to sustain the income to buy the liquor to destroy the life that somehow inebriation left room for gaining in the first place?
Enough time to get friends to lose, gain a significant other that will eventually storm out because of the only disease that is Politely Correct to get angry at the sufferers for having? Oh, but not before that significant other has made procreation a reality?
Where was I? Right, the job to lose for being drunk along with losing the angry friends and family? So then how does one get the money to buy more liquor?
It makes no sense-one would HAVE TO maintain enough sobriety to sustain employment long enough to fund the addiction. This, then, means having the self-control to hide drunkenness well and work enough at a job to get paid to fund the continued disease. Then it becomes necessary to have the fortitude to bargain purchase the most booze for the buck (critical budget planning), the patience between purchases to get to the store to buy the poison liquid, and a large enough bladder to accommodate a possibly high tolerance drunk.
I am way too lazy, have far too high of a limit for inebriation, and way too small of a bladder. Beyond that, again, liquor COSTS money. How the hell can I afford to buy alcohol if I am too drunk to wake up for work, actually work, drive to the market, count out the money, bring the liquor out to drink, possibly drive, but NOT die, and NOT get arrested at least until I have an established life to put at risk because of boozing? That is some mad skill. It is hard enough for me to remember to get coffee percolating in the morning and get to work on time when I am sober.
Even if I managed to find a job that can tolerate having a drunk employee, handle a car without killing myself or others, remember to purchase the alcohol as "needed" or keep it in stock, I have to keep the liquor in my gut long enough to take effect. One trip to the bathroom and I am down two drinks. I have a 6 hard drink minimum for getting intoxicated. That puts me back at 4. Hard liquor is more expensive.
Damnation. Now I need a better paying job. So I gotta up my game at work to get a promotion to afford the liquor to get that alcohol high that, were I an alcoholic, I would not be able to live without, creating a more promising career that I am scaling the ladder in that I will only subsequently lose to my alcoholism. I'm out, I fold.
It is time to face facts: there is no bigger failure than a person who would fail at failing. I do not have the strength and skill to fail because of chronic addiction. It is a new height of laziness. I fail but have nothing chemical to blame it on. What's more, I do not even have the discipline to be disappointed about this. So, Cheers!