by Jennifer Barnett

Created on: November 04, 2009

You can be yourself after marriage, but it will take lots of work and time. When you get married, after being single for several years, it is hard not to keep thinking like you are a single person. A part of you still wants to do some of the things you used to do before you got married. For example, hanging out with your friends a few times a week, or just being alone for a couple of hours once in a while. Telling your spouse that you still want to do these things can make for some big blow outs. Especially if you have a husband or wife who doesn't trust you very much. You try to hang out with them and their friends by doing a bunch of group dates, but after a while that starts getting stale. You start becoming this conjoined at the side couple,"Look everyone, here come the Millers!" Your nolonger Pat and Jessica, or Allen and Kate. It's as if you don't have a first name anymore, except for when your family members say it. Everyone expects you to be together all the time. After all you are now husband and wife. Try showing up to church, or to a family function without your spouse, and you will be explaining to at least a dozen people why they are not there. That part irritates me the most, because you tend to get treated like you are half of a person just cause they are not there. You hang out with other couples and you joke about it, but the truth is it's not funny, it can be very upsetting and embarrassing.

You want to be treated like the individual you were before you got hitched? Here are a few steps to keeping your identity intact.

1. Talk to your spouse about wanting to still spend time with your friends by yourself. Make sure it is a couple of times a week, not everyday of the week. This makes for conflict in relationships.

2. Explain to friends and family members that you would still like to be called by your first name. This goes for members of your church as well. If you don't want to be called sister McFarley or brother Palmer tell them so. It is not rude to want to be called by your first name by an adult.

3. Work on projects that are made just for you, and personalize them if you wish. This way others can see that this was something you did yourself.

4. Alittle me time is never a bad thing. Going to a movie, talking on the phone to a friend, taking a walk alone, or reading a book in a quiet room is not grounds for a divorce. It may actually strengthen your marriage.

5. Never let people convince you that it is selfish to want to do nice things for yourself. As a spouse, and a parent we tend to forget that we need to take care of ourselves once in a while. People that are not married or have no children rarely understand this.

Keep in mind that you will always be you, no matter if you are married. Don't let people categorize you by your marital status. Let them know that you still want to be treated like the same person you were before you got married. If they called you by your first name before, they can continue to call you by it. Don't let them make you feel bad because your spouse didn't show up with you to an event or family function either. Remind them that you don't have to have your spouse around you twenty four/ seven to be reminded you are married, you already know it.

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