by Annie Duncan

Created on: November 03, 2009

Sexual abuse is one of the most heinous crimes next to murder. This violent act can leave a victim with lifelong wounds that open up though out their lives sometimes without warning. Yet the victim has no choice but to move on but how they move on will make a difference to how they live the rest of their lives.

The first step is relinquishing any fault of their own they may imagine. An adult who suffered from sexual abuse first as a child has the most difficulty relinquishing fault. Their expectations often are that as a child they should have responded with the insight of an adult. A child is innocent and has no greater need then the need to be loved. That innocence and vulnerability makes a child such easy prey for the perpetrator. Without that understanding when the child becomes older and realizes how wrong it was they feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. They feel their participation which may seem voluntary makes them to blame. They don't realize that they were taken advantage of and their inability to say no does not make it their fault.

Even if the event or events happened to someone first as an adult some will judge the victim as taking on some of the responsibility for the sexual abuse. It may be by their judgement of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, their dress if it is at all thought to be provocative or other choices they made that may have lead them to date rape. This misperception that shifts the responsibility of the abuse to the victim often leaves the victim confused and feelings of guilt and shame.

Not only does the guilt and shame torment the victim but rape gives the perpetrator a sense of power and control over their victim at the cost of taking away the security of the victim. The victim will feel powerless, humiliation and often terror. Their body becomes objectified and they may see themselves through the perpetrators' eyes.

Rebuilding a life after the abuse begins with actually mourning what was stolen from the victim. That means getting angry with the perpetrator and anyone else that made them feel like they asked for it. It means allowing themselves to say that no one had the right to do that to them. It also means taking the time to comfort themselves; to cry and cry until there are no more tears. Share their story or not, whatever is comfortable for them.

After the mourning the victim needs to learn their own value. Realize anything that was done was because the perpetrator has the problems not the victim. The victim is the survivor and will not allow anything to be taken from them anymore.

All of this is a lifelong process and there are times they may have to go back and mourn again and times where they just need a time out or a step back when it comes back to haunt them. There may be times where they should go back to counselling or realize some of the old detrimental lessons they learned are creeping back and they need help to take back their lives. Expecting to completely move on should not be the goal as the abuse will always be a part of them. Trying to move on should be replaced by taking what happened and turn their own reaction into strength. To have compassion for others and to be the person that would never devalue a person like the perpetrator so selfishly did will take the power away from the perpetrator. To not allow the act of abuse to define who they are but instead accept it as a horrible thing that happened will give the strength not let the abuse affect their future in a detrimental way.

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