by Hanna M. Jagow

Created on: November 03, 2009

Divorce mediation can help immensely in the painful process of divorce. However, one must define what "success" will look like before deciding whether the mediation was, in fact, successful.

Couples who come for therapy may be in the last stages of an emotional shut-down, grasping at straws in order to preserve their family, espcially if they have children together. As one wife told me, "I love him but I don't like him." The husband responded with "I don't know what she's talking about." They did not continue therapy, and probably did not continue their marriage. Efforts to communicate and learn better communication skills do not help if one or the other is not interested in change of any kind.

Mediation can help even in this situation, if both parties are intent on being reasonable and trying to negotiate an outcome that is best for all concerned. Here are the reasons why a marriage counselor might make a referral for mediation, even after it is clear the relationship itself is dead.

1. Removing the arena of conflict from children. Kids are well aware that parents are not getting along well, and the more they are shielded from arguments and accusations, the better. All they really need to know is that things will be changing, and it is not their fault. Sometimes it is not anybody's fault; people change and grow apart.

2. A good mediator can replace friends and family and be more objective in their help. Finding a good friend who loves you and is always on your side is not a bad thing, but in this case, it can stop you from seeing both sides clearly. Also, friends and family may grow weary of playing "judge and jury." One of the things needed by both parties following a divorce is a good friend. Relieving them of doing the mediator's job can preserve friendships, which in the long run will help everybody in the family.

3. Finding common goals and common ground can only happen in a neutral atmosphere, and is one of the things a mediator will attempt to do with utmost rigor. The more a divorcing couple is united on a parenting plan, reasonable division of expenses, ongoing support of their children at school, and making sure children feel loved regardless of their parents' break-up, the more successful the mediation.

Therefore, while there is no painless way through a divorce, a mediation can still help a great deal.

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