by Elaine Sihera

Created on: November 03, 2009   Last Updated: January 27, 2010

Many friendships and relationships have broken up primarily because pride gets in the way. People find it hard to apologise for anything, or to simply say they're sorry, even though they know they did something wrong or inappropriate. They feel that it makes them look worse or belittles them in some way; that the other person has got something over them. Yet they are likely to expect an apology if they feel in the right so that they can feel vindicated. However, dealing with a broken relationship in the best way possible will involve some form of compromise from one or both parties.

Saying 'I'm sorry' is not about being eight or wrong. It is open contrition for any hurt you might have caused your friend or partner. It shows that you are empathising with them and you also affirm him/her by showing how much they are valued. It is also about putting the relationship first instead of the individuals; to seek a more enjoyable interaction based on equality, trust and appreciation rather than just who is in the right. It is primarily about keeping that relationship intact.

To be able to say 'sorry' easily and confidently, and mean it, does three main things for us:
1. It acknowledges our fallibility to make mistakes, to commit an error and to not always get it right.

2. It affirms that our life is a journey of self development and every step of the way will be a learning tool so that we know how to deal with similar actions in the future. Above all, it reinforces the fact that we are forever growing and are not stagnant in our development. We really don't have all the answers in life.

3. It's a sign of forgiveness for both parties, no matter who is at fault. It brings the problem to a conclusion and moves the couple/friends on in a more positive vein.

When we ignore problematic interactions by not acknowledging their lessons, or refusing to accept that we were not quite right in our reaction, we deprive ourselves of learning the message and are likely to keep repeating that pattern of behaviour, ad nauseam, while we blame others for being in the 'wrong'.

The confident person will be quick to say 'sorry', not because they are weak or fearful of the other person, but because they recognise that the mark of a true leader is to set the pace or example, not follow it, and no one is infallible. Most important, that winning in any kind of relationship is a hollow victory because the friendship itself should be the main priority.

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