by Hanna M. Jagow

Created on: November 03, 2009   Last Updated: December 09, 2009

When a loved one dies, a family is faced with many decisions. If the deceased has made arrangements before-hand to be cremated, that decision may have already been made. However, the family still has many options about what kind of memorial they would like, and how to process the loss.

Families tend to have their own unique styles of grieving, and it is important to honor those. Some traditionally visit the deceased for a face-to-face good-bye, others prefer not. From a mental health standpoint, facing that awful moment when one looks into a casket and recognizes a dear face may be difficult, but it puts an image with the mental idea of death. Since one of the first steps of grief is the recognition that the loss is final, this can be an important step in the process. Recognizing that individual grieving styles are as varied and different in any family as hair styles is paramount. There is no wrong way to grieve.

Many people have not thought about final arrangements and are forced to make them when they are stressed. One of the advantages of cremation is that once it has been done, there is not such a rush to decide on details. Relatives from out of town may have more time to plan a trip; those closest have more time to choose what they feel is the most appropriate way to say good-bye.

The choices are varied and can be as individual as the family. Some families have reunions every year, and may decide to have a service for the deceased as part of that get-together. Some split the ashes, putting half in a cemetery and the other half in the mountains, the ocean, etc. In mild climates, an informal outdoor service may be chosen, while another family prefers the more sedate and solemn environment of a place of worship.

Some will keep the ashes and do whatever they are going to do on the anniversary of the death, giving them more time to be ready to say good-bye. Others may opt to care for the ashes immediately, which could be a good choice if the family is scattered all over the country and it's possible that the ashes could be lost in somebody's closet and forgotten until there is another loss.

Whatever a family chooses is not right or wrong. If there are family members who disagree with the decisions being made, there is time to negotiate so that all are comfortable with the final good-bye, or at least do not feel left out. If the deceased had the time and forethought to make plans for themselves, this might avoid some of the painful squabbles that could happen. However, this is not always the case, so families need to try to work together so that whatever they choose not only honors their deceased loved one, but gives them an opportunity to say good-bye, both publicly and privately.

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