by Carmel Brulez

Created on: November 03, 2009   Last Updated: November 04, 2009

Saying no to controlling people

Every so often, one of your family, your boss or a friend tries to control your life, usually it is because they will benefit from it. Which is very selfish and totally unfair on you and you would be silly to agree. Whilst at other times it is because they think they are doing you a favour by watching out for you, and telling you how to behave is supposed to be for your own good. Of course, loved ones often get the idea that they know better than you, even if they do not. They are sure they know what you should do and think it is merely a question of them telling you and you obeying orders. The fact that they could well be wrong does not occur to them. They also would not be happy about you behaving the same way towards them and telling them what to do, whatever your motives.

Saying no to a controlling person is easy if you are firm and decisive. Speak as if you have definitely decided and that is that. If you show any signs of being unsure or wavering, or that you need more time to think about it, or that you wish to discuss it, then it will not work.

For example, you have arranged to go out with your partner tomorrow and a friend asks you to go and babysit for them. This is at very short notice and it would ruin the evening you have planned and looked forward to. The friend could have asked someone else or could have paid a babysitter, but they prefer to ruin your evening. You do not say something like "I will try to re-arrange tomorrow and change it for a different day", you make it clear that you have sorted out tomorrow evening and it will not be changed. You do not have to explain where you are going or who you are seeing or how long for as if you need permission to stick to the plans you have made.

When controlling people try to get us to do things it only works if we agree and they rely on the fact we feel awkward if we say no. If we can learn to say no with confidence and a friendly smile, as there is no need to be aggressive or rude, then it backfires on them. Most people who want to control use emotional blackmail as they would not have any chance of getting what they want otherwise.

Your boss might ask you to stay late at work yet again - unpaid - and you feel awkward about saying no, but there was no initial agreement that you would often work late or that you would do extra work unpaid. Your boss may be taking you for granted because other staff are quicker to say no or refuse to do it unpaid. You need to ask yourself

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