by Robin Landry

Created on: November 03, 2009

Should you settle for a less than perfect relationship? On the surface this sounds like a fairly simple question but still one that individuals (usually women) have wrestled with for decades. But like many seemingly simple questions it actually becomes quite complex, especially when we really start to delve deeply into the underlying meaning behind the words.

For example, take the word "settle." Dictionary.com displays no less than thirty definitions for the word. When placed into the context of relationships, some of the definitions are more positive than others. Settle can mean "to place into a desired state or in order" which would seem to be a good thing with regard the status of our bond with a significant other. But settle can also mean "to sink to the bottom, as sediment," and when it comes to creating desirable visual images surrounding our intimate associations, this definition falls decidedly short.

And while we're at it, let's look at the phrase, "less than perfect." One could argue that since true perfection is impossible in any connection between flawed human beings, every relationship is "less than perfect" and so, we are all, in a sense "settling." I suspect, however, that in the context of the question "less than perfect" is actually a euphemism for "kind of crappy" or worse. The underlying message here seems to be that being in a bad relationship is still preferable to being "alone."

But why should this be? Ironically, I think people who allow the fear of being alone to push them into unhappy and unhealthy relationships actually started "settling" long ago. My theory is that these folks are terrified of being alone because they have chosen to accept a poor quality relationship with themselves.

As a society we often give lip service to the concept of "self-esteem" but unfortunately there seem to be far too many of us who are not completing the necessary internal work to develop strong and healthy relationships with ourselves. If we were, the question regarding "settling" for "less than perfect" relationships would no longer even be a consideration.

In his 1997 article, "What Self Esteem Is and Is Not", and more extensively in his book, "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem", author Nathaniel Branden outlines a number of characteristics necessary for maintaining a positive self-concept, which in turn helps us in growing good quality relationships with others. "Settling" suggests a rather passive posture and this runs counter to Branden's six pillars

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