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Should you settle for a less than perfect relationship? On the surface this sounds like a fairly simple question but still one that individuals (usually women) have wrestled with for decades. But like many seemingly simple questions it actually becomes quite complex, especially when we really start to delve deeply into the underlying meaning behind the words.

For example, take the word "settle." Dictionary.com displays no less than thirty definitions for the word. When placed into the context of relationships, some of the definitions are more positive than others. Settle can mean "to place into a desired state or in order" which would seem to be a good thing with regard the status of our bond with a significant other. But settle can also mean "to sink to the bottom, as sediment," and when it comes to creating desirable visual images surrounding our intimate associations, this definition falls decidedly short.

And while we're at it, let's look at the phrase, "less than perfect." One could argue that since true perfection is impossible in any connection between flawed human beings, every relationship is "less than perfect" and so, we are all, in a sense "settling." I suspect, however, that in the context of the question "less than perfect" is actually a euphemism for "kind of crappy" or worse. The underlying message here seems to be that being in a bad relationship is still preferable to being "alone."

But why should this be? Ironically, I think people who allow the fear of being alone to push them into unhappy and unhealthy relationships actually started "settling" long ago. My theory is that these folks are terrified of being alone because they have chosen to accept a poor quality relationship with themselves.

As a society we often give lip service to the concept of "self-esteem" but unfortunately there seem to be far too many of us who are not completing the necessary internal work to develop strong and healthy relationships with ourselves. If we were, the question regarding "settling" for "less than perfect" relationships would no longer even be a consideration.

In his 1997 article, "What Self Esteem Is and Is Not", and more extensively in his book, "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem", author Nathaniel Branden outlines a number of characteristics necessary for maintaining a positive self-concept, which in turn helps us in growing good quality relationships with others. "Settling" suggests a rather passive posture and this runs counter to Branden's six pillars of self-esteem: living purposefully, living consciously and demonstrating self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, personal integrity and self-acceptance.

Rather than simply "taking whatever we can get" the practice of engaging in conscious, purposeful living requires action on our parts. Living consciously and purposefully requires us to become active participants in our lives. We must develop goals and plans and then take responsibility for putting those goals and plans into action. We must have enough personal integrity to stick to our plans and stay true to our goals even when we experience challenges. Sleepwalking through life while we wait to be rescued by the handsome prince or beautiful princess just isn't going to cut it

I would suggest that anyone who is feeling tempted to settle for a less than ideal relationship is probably viewing life through a lens that is far too narrow. What if, instead of focusing on a relationship as the primary goal, we instead focused our energy on our own strengths, talents and interests and the goals and values will bring us fulfillment from the inside out? By taking responsibility for becoming our "true selves" I would suspect that many of us would begin to feel more authentic more "real." The self-acceptance that comes from maintaining our integrity when it comes to personal goals and values could very well make us more attractive to our "near perfect" match or at the very least allow us to become comfortable enough in our own company to reject the notion that "settling" for a second-rate relationship is ever a viable alternative.

In addition to being uncomfortable with our own company, I think there are also some of us who are simply impatient when it

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