The difference between good and toxic friends
We have all had that feeling in the pit of our stomach when the smiling "friend" approaches us. It may have been a gradual change in the relationship and it may have occurred over a period of years, but the fact is, that intuitively, you know you can't trust this person fully and you always have your guard up whenever you discuss important issues, or search your brain for a variety of excuses to get yourself out of socializing with these people. You probably like them enough to call them friend rather than an acquaintance, but you know there is a huge difference in how you feel around them and how you feel around your other friends, the ones that you look forward to having around and socializing with.
If anyone asked you, you would be unable to pinpoint the defining factor that makes you stand at attention and squelch that gnawing feeling in your stomach, but the fact is that along the way they have apologized for things you took the wrong way and they did not mean when you know full well that they did mean it and you took it exactly as you should have.
They make you doubt yourself, sometimes make you feel insignificant. They typically want you to join in activities that mean something to them and typically to achieve a purpose that is only good for them. You are just there for support or decoration, or so they don't go alone, or to make someone else jealous or upset.
These friends typically don't like any of your other friends and are jealous of your other friendships. They demand your full attention and resent being "one more in the group" of friends that went out to the club or met for a drink. Chances are that they have done or said things about you, your loved one, or your job and you have found yourself in a reactive position having to defend your choices and explain things in detail while they just sat there and watched you squirm. There are more negative comments hurled in your direction than positive and when a compliment is given is done with a hint of sarcasm or followed by a deprecating comment.
We can all come with examples of these people; we have had lunch with them at work and drinks afterward. We have known them since Kindergarten or had several classes together in college. Their parents were friends with ours, or they are related to someone we really like and enjoy being with. The fact is that typically, there is always a long connection that goes far beyond the friendship and this is the invisible tie that binds us together and makes getting this people out of our life on a permanent basis, practically impossible.
We are afraid that we don't have enough material to prove that these people are jerks and family members or really good friends would be tainted by the drama that is sure to ensue. We also have shared memories, we have been witnesses in each other's lives and those memories, those ties, mean something to us. What we do know for sure is that this friendship bears little resemblance to the ones we consider "real" friends that can sit in silence with you for hours and be in total comfort. Those friends have never had an awkward silence with you or you with them. They show up when you say "I need" and you don't even have time to finish the sentence because they say "I'll be right over!" and are there for you every step of the way as you are for them.
As we get older, and hopefully, a bit wiser, we begin to clean our lives up and de-clutter the decade old clothing from our closets, buy furniture for its comfort rather than style and kiss goodbye those people who don't bring anything positive to our lives.
Getting rid of stress and negative people is a learning experience that requires fortitude and the recognition that we do have limits and boundaries and it is our job to push back and clearly demarcate our territory, even if the territory is the invisible line between mental health and emotional turf. Good friends are ageless and timeless, toxic ones just seem to last forever and it is up to us to decide how and when to show them the door on the way out.