by Nancy Seddens

Created on: November 02, 2009   Last Updated: November 03, 2009

A big question for every gay person is when to reveal their sexual orientation or 'come out of the closet'. Obviously, no one should tell their family, friends, or co-workers that they are homosexual until they are certain and have become comfortable with the fact. However, the gay person is not the only one who has to become comfortable with the reality. Perhaps the right time to 'come out' is never.

I am not suggesting that denial is a good thing; no one should have to hide who they are, but making announcements about something so intimate can cause a degree of discomfort that can damage a relationship. Why put co-workers, friends, and family in an awkward position just because you are ready to be open about your sexuality?

Sex and work never mix well, so is it really advantageous to anyone at your work place to know that you prefer intimacy with members of your own sex? Eventually, the people at work will come to a gradual realization of your orientation, given that you are not actively hiding the fact. The important thing is that they get to know you as a person first so that your homosexuality is seen as a part of who you are and not the whole.

Close friends probably already know and if they haven't mentioned or hinted at it, perhaps it's because they find it to difficult to acknowledge. The fact that they have remained your friends means that they accept you as you are.

The biggest temptation to coming out is with your family, because they are the ones that matter the most. The fact that their acceptance is the most important means that one has the most to lose if the conversation goes badly; if a mother or father or sibling asks the question, then by all means tell them the truth, but why bring it up yourself? Perhaps they have suspected but aren't ready to deal with it in the open, and then again maybe they had no idea. You are both going to have to live with what ever is said in those next few minutes. Words can't be taken back, and when you spring something that big on someone, they don't always think before they speak. If you wait until they bring it up, then you know they are ready and will be more likely to discuss it calmly and non-judgmentally.

Each person as they realize the truth about your sexual orientation will process it in a different way and at their own speed and if they ask you about it you can decide then if you feel like discussing it. Remember it really is no one's business if you are gay or straight unless they are a close family member or someone who is interested in pursuing an intimate relationship with you.

As for people who aren't very close friends or family, if they inquire you should ask them, "Why? Are you interested in a relationship with me?" If the answer is no, then say that your sexuality is on a need-to-know basis and if they aren't into you then they don't need to know.

Learn more about this author, Nancy Seddens.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.