by Carlson Montour

Created on: November 02, 2009

Of course, everyone is aware that if a young boy hates sports it is because of some shortcoming of the father, most likely a testosterone deficiency. You've seen the look in the eyes of the guys at work when they gather to brag about the athletic prowess demonstrated by their sons during the past weekend's sporting events. Of course, with tongues in cheek and looking down their noses, they compliment your son's performance in the marching band. How humiliating! Sonny could at least have chosen to play the drums, very macho, you know. Drummers get all the babes. But no, the kid plays the flute! What is a father to do in this situation? How can this devastating blow to his masculinity be minimized?

The first thing to do is challenge your Son's paternity. Question your wife with vehemence, insinuating that your son's lack of interest in sports proves your longstanding belief that she bedded down with Kip, that metro sexual who owns the spa and tanning salon downtown. God knows, your genes could not have been involved.

If your wife talks her way out of that, insist that your son see a geneticist to make sure no chromosomes are missing. The findings may offer an understanding into this aberration of male behavior. Maybe he could get on a transplant list so that when some gifted athlete passes on your son could be the recipient of a donation of the y-chromosome. If the geneticist's assessment offers no explanation or solution, don't give up.

Move onto blaming your wife's coddling and over-protecting the boy. Most likely your mother-in-law treats him like a little sissy too! It's their fault he isn't a little man. They bathed him with No More Tears soap and ignored your pleas to wash him with Lava soap made of volcanic pumice or Irish Spring with its manly scent. Do you remember that picture they had taken of him at Wal-Mart on his second birthday? Powder blue knickers, matching bow tie, yellow suspenders, white shirt, knee socks, and shiny black shoes! The boy never stood a chance!

Don't forget your fallen son has also been influenced by the misguided progressive element run amok in our society. Back when men were men and thus, boys were boys, there were no namby-pamby gun control laws. Thanksgiving was spent in the woods killing critters not at the local shelter singing Kumbaya with the homeless people. The kid doesn't want any racecars, dump trucks, or BB guns for Christmas this year. He wants an Ipod so he can tweet his friends. Tweeting doesn't sound like a very manly man activity, does it? Something has gone awry in a society when boys no longer dream of fighting to the death before the cheering crowds of the coliseum. What about all this sexual harassment silliness. When I was a teenager, I would never have gotten to first base with a girl if "no really meant no". Right, Honey?

Well, Dad, if all this blaming of others, rationalizing, awfulizing and fretting doesn't help, and you are not lucky enough to have a gifted athlete die and bequeath his Y chromosome to your son, what is left to do?

When all else fails, try this: Be thankful that you have a healthy son who was born in a country where he can pursue all of his dreams. Be grateful that your wife is there to protect him from your insecurity about your own manhood. Give your son a hug (a real one, not a chest bump) and tell him how proud you are of him and why. Then prove it by getting involved with what he is doing. Last but not least, do a little something for you. Make an appointment with Kip for a massage and waxing. Enjoy.

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