What is it that makes catching a fly so thrilling? Maybe it's the challenge of pitting your skills against those of a creature that is millions of years behind you in evolutionary development. This battle of the wits, of course, is the same sort of primeval face-off that makes fishing so exciting. But with flies, there's more-much more-at stake.
Fish don't invade your home, swim around, buzzing brazenly, taunting you, demeaning you, announcing to you and your guests that they can go anyplace in your house they darn well please. Nope. Fish know their boundaries.
Flies on the other hand take pleasure in demonstrating their superiority. They fly around, like they are the point-man fly-boys for the Blue Angels, hitting Mach7 speeds, doing loop d loops, then making a 270 degree turn, dive bombing downward, to make a swan-like landing on your hoagie. The entire time they do this they taunt you in their French accents. Yes. That's right. A little known fact about flies is that they have a French accent.
You might think they are creating a subtle "zzzzzzzz" sound by the rapid flailing of their wings, but in fact the whole time the fly executes its acrobatic routine, it unleashes a verbal barrage of passive aggressive insults while somehow maintaining a nonchalant attitude colored with a sly hint of disdain.
Until now, the actual meaning of fly vocalizations have been a mystery, but through the miracles of modern science, researchers have been able to finally translate their aerial rants. Below is a translated transcription obtained during a recent encounter I had with one of the little buzzards:
"Well, well, well. Bon jour, mon amis. What eez zees? Eeez zees a hoagay zat I spy? I theenk I will 'ave a beet of ze hoaGAY. It weehl go well weet zat ...zat ... 'ow do you say... POOP, zat I was just eeeTING. Ooooh. Zer eez a beet of poop on my feets. Zat eez okay weeht me. I weehl simply wipe my feets off 'ere on your brehd, you American Peeg".
Now that you understand the full breadth and depth of fly depravity, you are probably more than ready to join the efforts of the many other Americans who are already engaged in this noble cause: the war against flies.
This is a war of attrition. It is not a war that we will win in one year, or two years, or even three years. I am hesitant to put a time-table on it. But this is a war that we must, and will win. One fly at a time.
Before we talk about going mano-a-mano with your fly-foe, let's talk about what not to do. Let's talk about strategy. My house was once attacked by several flies. I tried to get them but I couldn't. I figured that the flies at my neighbor's house were riling up my flies. I decided that the thing I should do was go to my neighbor's house and kill all their flies.
I carpet bombed their house. Oooops. I completely forgot about Sparky. Oh well. He was kind of barky, anyways, so it's not like I miss him. My neighbors did get a bit upset, though. It seems that the flies are worse than ever. I kind of destroyed the structural integrity, not to mention the doors, windows, and most of the rooms of their house. Anyhoo, I have decided to focus on the flies in my own house. I advise the same to you.
I have tried negotiating with the flies, but they just fly around, looking smug in black turtle necks, smoking non-filter cigarettes, and blowing smoke rings. They are not to be trusted.
Don't ever consider talking with the flies. I gave this approach an earnest effort and it is not worth it. I even tried to role model how to do this for my other neighbors, the ones on the other side of me who still have a house, so they too could join me in my attempt to strike a deal with the flies. Now whenever these neighbors see me they just look twitchy and back away. I think the flies make them nervous.
There was a brief period during my idealistic adolescent years when I personally developed a program to try to domesticate flies. I tried to teach them how to behave properly. I even fancied that perhaps they could be trained to be of service. I am not convinced that this is impossible. But it is too much for just one guy alone.
I have concluded that such a program would be grossly inefficient, would require enlisting highly paid ne'er do wells to sit around and for all intents and purposes do nothing, and would cost billions of dollars. In short, I have concluded that this would be your typical government job. I have heard that congress is discussing a bill to help create jobs that will include provisions for fly domestication programs. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
Should you want to hop on this federal band wagon, the process basically goes like this. First you catch the fly-we'll get to how to do that soon. Then you stun the fly, usually by throwing it against a solid surface, such as a table top or a mime. Then you tie a hair around the neck (note: tie the hair around the fly's neck, not the mime's neck) so they don't fly away. Don't pull too hard on the hair after you have looped it over the fly's head and around his neck, otherwise, his tiny little head will fall to the ground like it was my investment portfolio.
Once you have your subject restrained, then you embark on the re-education program. This basically involves forcing it to watch an alternating schedule of uplifting and educational T.V. programs. I find that compulsory viewings of Judge Judy followed by Dancing with the Stars followed by local news works best to fully engage the fly's mind, while still not stressing it by forcing it to think too much.
Okay. So now for the "How to catch a fly" part of this article about "How to Catch a Fly". These little devils are tricky. You must beat them at their own game. One rule of thumb is that if you can come up with some way to incorporate highly combustible or explosive materials along with open flames, your war against flies will be far more entertaining. Since you are probably newbies in this war, we'll keep it simple.
First get a barbecue lighter. Set the flame on high. Then find yourself an aerosol spray can of anything that is highly flammable. You could use bug spray, but hey, you wouldn't need the fire and that defeats the whole purpose of this offensive. Holding the aerosol can in your non-dominant hand, aim toward the fly and press the button on the top of the can to make the spray, um, spray. Then, holding the lighter in your dominant hand, press the trigger on the lighter to light the lighter. Did you just notice all that alliteration? You know, "press the trigger on the lighter to light the lighter: That was what we humorists like to call a little light humor. Cue crickets chirping...
Anyhow, slowly, move the flame of the lighter into the spray. You will notice a flame-thrower like cone of fire spewing from your aerosol can. Fun, eh? Now run around the house, chasing the fly, cursing, and scorching anything that comes between you and the immediate death of that fly.
Now, I must take a moment to be serious. If any kids are reading this, please, and this is very important, try this at home. Don't bother to ask your parents if it is okay. They hate flies. They will be thankful to you and will probably give you some ice cream.
If the above approach doesn't work, and it won't, then try this. Set up a room that has at least one wall entirely covered, from side to side and floor to ceiling, with mirrors. It would be best if you can completely cover all the walls and the ceiling with mirrors.
Kids, you might have to "borrow" your parent's credit card and have a professional come set this up sometime when your parents aren't home.
The cost of mirroring a 10 foot by 12 foot room might run between 3 to 5 thousand dollars for the removal and transportation of all the furniture into storage, building materials and labor, but it will be worth it if you can get rid of that dirty, nasty, faux French fly.
Now chase the fly into the mirror-room. You can use the aerosol flame thrower to accomplish this. Once the fly is in the mirror room, slam the door shut. Wait. Get into the mirror room with the fly. Then slam the door shut.
You finally have the upper hand. The fly will be sorely confused by the mirrors. It will think it is flying into a free flying zone, when, bang, it smacks its head into the mirror.
"What eez zis?" it will buzz. The teensy weensy fly brain can't wrap itself around the concept of a mirror. We humans are much smarter. We routinely stare into the mirror for hours on end. Personally, I have banged my head into a mirror only a handful of times.
The fly on the other hand will go bonkers. It will continue to try to fly into the mirror. BANG. "What zee....?". BANG. " Sacre Bleu!" BANG. "Holy Merd...!" BANG.
Relax. Enjoy your triumph over the fly. It is just a matter of time. Eventually the fly will knock itself relatively senseless. Though it may be oriented enough to still enjoy Maurie Povich, it should be slow enough for you to catch it.
You, meanwhile, should soak in your well-earned victory. It is your turn to feel superior. You beat the fly. Sure, you have some scorched walls, smoldering furniture, a little smoke damage, and 3 to 5 thousand in credit card debt from renovating your mirror room, but that fly is so stupid. It keeps banging its head in the mirror. Ha! Stupid fly!
On the other hand, this might not work. It hasn't worked for me.
So, if you are like me, and I know I am, and this doesn't work to help you catch your fly, then I suggest you learn how to not be bothered by the fly. Take up a hobby. I hear fly fishing is fun.
No flies were hurt in the writing of this article.