by Ed Donner

Created on: November 02, 2009

What is it that makes catching a fly so thrilling? Maybe it's the challenge of pitting your skills against those of a creature that is millions of years behind you in evolutionary development. This battle of the wits, of course, is the same sort of primeval face-off that makes fishing so exciting. But with flies, there's more-much more-at stake.

Fish don't invade your home, swim around, buzzing brazenly, taunting you, demeaning you, announcing to you and your guests that they can go anyplace in your house they darn well please. Nope. Fish know their boundaries.

Flies on the other hand take pleasure in demonstrating their superiority. They fly around, like they are the point-man fly-boys for the Blue Angels, hitting Mach7 speeds, doing loop d loops, then making a 270 degree turn, dive bombing downward, to make a swan-like landing on your hoagie. The entire time they do this they taunt you in their French accents. Yes. That's right. A little known fact about flies is that they have a French accent.

You might think they are creating a subtle "zzzzzzzz" sound by the rapid flailing of their wings, but in fact the whole time the fly executes its acrobatic routine, it unleashes a verbal barrage of passive aggressive insults while somehow maintaining a nonchalant attitude colored with a sly hint of disdain.

Until now, the actual meaning of fly vocalizations have been a mystery, but through the miracles of modern science, researchers have been able to finally translate their aerial rants. Below is a translated transcription obtained during a recent encounter I had with one of the little buzzards:

"Well, well, well. Bon jour, mon amis. What eez zees? Eeez zees a hoagay zat I spy? I theenk I will 'ave a beet of ze hoaGAY. It weehl go well weet zat ...zat ... 'ow do you say... POOP, zat I was just eeeTING. Ooooh. Zer eez a beet of poop on my feets. Zat eez okay weeht me. I weehl simply wipe my feets off 'ere on your brehd, you American Peeg".

Now that you understand the full breadth and depth of fly depravity, you are probably more than ready to join the efforts of the many other Americans who are already engaged in this noble cause: the war against flies.

This is a war of attrition. It is not a war that we will win in one year, or two years, or even three years. I am hesitant to put a time-table on it. But this is a war that we must, and will win. One fly at a time.

Before we talk about going mano-a-mano with your fly-foe, let's talk about what not to do. Let's talk

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