by Hanna M. Jagow

Created on: November 02, 2009   Last Updated: November 09, 2009

Even the word "dysfunctional" sounds ominous. As a classmate once quipped, if you had never heard it before, you might assume it had something to do with people not being able to go to the bathroom. However, it has become one of those buzz words that gets tossed around, sometimes flippantly, to mean everything from loose morals to family disasters.

As a family therapist, I have never seen a family that was "dysfunctional." All families function in some areas. Even the most challenged families do some things well, and this is the key. First, one needs to look at the strengths of a family, because that is where change is most likely to begin. While it's true that the first stage of building a house is digging a hole for a foundation or basement, no building begins until that hole is reinforced with strong materials. Focusing on your family's challenges rather than its strengths may only dig a deeper hole, adding low self esteem and a feeling of incompetence to the already trying circumstances.

Families tend to operate over time in patterns that are familiar. When things happen that are not expected, it takes time to recover the parts of those patterns that can survive and create new ones in order to adjust. Since things happen to everybody without warning at times and require both minor and major adjustments from day to day, a family can become overwhelmed and lose their way. Events such as the birth of a child, the loss of a beloved grandparent, trouble with the law, a serious car accident...any and all of these things can cause disruption.

Also, there may be illness, job loss, a million things that can impact family functioning. A mom who has severe migraines two or three days a week needs support that may not be readily available. In this circumstance, the entire family needs to adjust. A family trying to find their way, doing the best they can in uncharted territory, is often labeled "dysfunctional."

We could all change the world a bit by forgetting we ever heard the word "dysfunctional" and instead giving families who are struggling support and praise for those areas where they are doing well. Taking an extra meal, offering to watch their children so parents can take a break, providing a listening ear, all can be small ways to give them support. There are times when needs will outweigh these kinds of efforts, but the very least we can do is not label them with a dubiously coined word.

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