SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids,' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat. Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on the island of Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway: It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time? Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel. And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad. Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids,' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat. Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on the island of Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway: It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time? Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel. And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad. Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids,' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat. Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on the island of Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway: It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time? Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel. And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad. Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids,' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat. Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on the island of Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway: It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time? Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel. And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad. Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about; she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.
SOMETHING STUPID an excerpt from the novel 'Prayer to Aphrodite'
Although, Clare occasionally felt in extremely low spirits because of Rachel's negative response to her affection, she knew she could depend on both Jenny and Amy for their continued support and when she finally introduced them both, they seemed to get on exceptionally well.
'We'll have to be careful, she'll want to come to Lesbos with us next - and then I'll have to find someone else to take care of the kids.' Clare said jokingly one evening after the three women had shared a few drinks together in Amy's flat.
Jenny had gone home earlier than expected, excusing herself because she felt tired, but Clare wondered afterwards whether this had been deliberate act on her sister's part so that there would be an opportunity for her to be alone with Amy.
'What did you say to Mike say about the holiday?' Amy enquired.
'I just told him it was all booked and paid for, and I was sure he could manage quite well on his own, since Jenny was willing to take care of the kids for a fortnight. He disapproves but that's just what I expected.'
'Did you read all the books I gave you about Greece?'
'Yes, but don't give me any more - there won't be anything new to find out once I get there!'
Clare wondered whether she ought to tell Amy what she had recently discovered about Sappho who lived on Lesbos almost two and a half thousand years ago and how some of the experiences of this ancient Greek poet seemed to mirror the recent events in her own life. But she decided against it; Amy was probably aware of the story anyway:
It was all about unrequited love. Could unrequited love ever have any real meaning? Clare wondered, or was it all a waste of time?
Sappho, like Clare, had been irresistibly drawn to a woman who did not return her affection and her only hope had been to offer up a prayer to Aphrodite, the Greek, Goddess of love, for the woman she loved, to respond positively to that desire.
Clare had read the one remaining complete poem which Sappho had written in ancient times, the other nine volumes all supposedly destroyed by the Christian church during the reformation as they were deemed immoral. The poem had instantly struck a chord in her heart as it expressed those very same yearnings and sentiments she felt for Rachel.
And, because Clare had also written poetry on the theme of unrequited love, she could now identify with this historical figure in more ways than one. She found herself wanting to visit the places where Sappho once walked even more so than before. And like the ancient poet, she too, wanted to offer up her very own prayer to Aphrodite. But she couldn't tell Amy any of this - she would most likely think her quite mad.
Instead, Clare talked about the forthcoming holiday which was now only weeks away. The wine flowed freely and she found herself becoming more than just a bit tipsy.
'You're not trying to get me drunk are you?' Clare said while Amy searched for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer to open another bottle of Chardonnay.
'Course not!' Amy laughed, 'you seem to be doing it all by yourself anyway,' she continued as she poured the wine into Clare's empty glass.
Instead of sitting in an easy chair, as she had been before going to fetch the wine, Amy now came over and sat next to Clare on the sofa.
'Here's to our holiday!' Clare said raising her glass.
'I'll certainly drink to that,' Amy smiled as their glasses clinked together.
And then came one of those awkward moments which often occur between two people when neither of them quite knows what to say next. In the ensuing silence Amy suddenly leaned over and kissed Clare full on the lips, and although she had half expected this to happen it still came as quite a shock. And Clare responded. It was a kiss unlike any she had experienced with man; softer and somehow more sensual. In fact, she felt quite breathless afterwards. 'You can stay the night if you want to.' Amy said as she held Clare closely in a warm embrace.
'I do want to, but I'd rather wait until we go to Lesbos.'
'it's okay don't worry, I had a feeling you would say that,' Amy said softly, 'like you said earlier about the books, if you knew everything now you'd have nothing to find out once you got there.'
Next day at home on her own, Clare found herself reflecting upon the previous evening; she was pleased she'd waited, and even more pleased that Amy respected and understood her reasons for doing so. It had been a long time since she'd experienced a loving encounter with anyone, so holding back that little bit longer would make no significant difference.
Amy had made it all seem so simple and uncomplicated - she'd just leaned over and kissed her. Clare wondered now, in retrospect, whether she should have attempted to kiss Rachel instead of declaring her love with a lengthy explanation. Perhaps, in certain situations words aren't always necessary; she thought and can even be considered an encumbrance.
Clare remembered that first dream about Rachel, two years ago, shortly before she realized she'd fallen in love; and in that dream she'd kissed Rachel passionately as they walked together through a field of fragrant flowers. Would it have worked out differently if I'd adopted a physical approach as in the dream? Clare wondered. But she knew it was no use speculating on what might have been; she had to make the best of things as they stood now.
And of course, Amy, having been a lesbian since her teens had the confidence that Clare still needed to develop. Seems I really messed things up, Clare mused, trying to seduce another woman when I just didn't have a clue how to go about it. She kept thinking of a line from an old Frank Sinatra song: '...and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.'
Just then, Jenny called round on the off-chance; Clare had a feeling she would want to find out if an intimate encounter had occurred after she'd left her alone with Amy.
'Come in, sit down, and I'll put the kettle on' Clare said directing her into the lounge, but Jenny, impatient as ever followed her through to the kitchen.
'Well, anything happen then?' she asked boldly, as soon as she was comfortably seated at the kitchen table, presupposing that Clare would give her a candid breakdown of everything that had transpired.
'Nothing happened; she just kissed me that's all - I wanted to wait until our holiday and she accepted that.'
'And did you enjoy it?' Jenny asked, determined to extract some interesting snippet from the incident however small.
Clare began to blush slightly; 'Well, put it this way, I kissed a whole pub full of sailors down in Portsmouth once, and it did nothing for me - it seems all I needed was a wren.'
Jenny laughed, 'Oh well, a kiss is a start I suppose,' she replied, looking somewhat disappointed, as if calling round hadn't really been worth the effort, but then she perked up again straight away once she'd thought of something funny to say. 'If you're intent on waiting until your holiday I guess you'll have to write a graphic description down on the back of a postcard and send it to me. Who knows? - they may participate in some strange initiation rites on Lesbos that you don't yet know about!'
'Don't be daft." said Clare, raising her eyebrows at her sister's flippant remark as she put a plate of chocolate biscuits on the table. But when she thought about Jenny's comment she supposed going to Lesbos would be a sort of initiation for her, and it would certainly herald a major turning point in her life.
Everything now appeared to be moving at rapid pace, and Clare realized that the problems which had been holding her back for so many years would soon be resolved. Her life would be her own again; she would be financially secure, divorced - and anything else would be considered a bonus.
'Are you going to see Rachel before you go?' Jenny asked, munching her way through the plateful of biscuits more voraciously than she normally did. She wondered if Clare's broken heart was mended, now that she'd found someone else who was prepared to give her the sort of relationship she longed for.
'Yes, but I won't tell her where I'm going or who I'm going with - she's obviously developed some kind of aversion to me since I revealed my feelings, and there's no point in making matters worse. Better to let sleeping dogs lie, perhaps. But she's still a total enigma to me; she said she didn't think I was gay, so why is she punishing me so much for loving her, if she doesn't think it's possible for me to have such feelings?'
'I don't know, and I don't suppose you'll ever figure her out either but you're right,' Jenny nodded in agreement, 'It's all water under the bridge now, and you're a stronger person because of it, but she's still an alcoholic and hasn't managed to confront the problems in her own life; I don't know how you can still care for the woman - she doesn't seem to care that much about herself.'
Clare sighed, as she stirred her spoon round and round in her cup even though she didn't take sugar. 'I do realize she's just an ordinary person, with her own set of faults just like everyone else, but love can be so blind to all that.' she said wistfully. 'It's always the same if you put someone on a pedestal, because eventually your idol will come crashing down.'
'Gosh, that sounds very philosophical... must be all that poetry and stuff you're into lately; but I know what you mean though, because I thought Phillip was the bee's knees at one time until I became disillusioned with him.' Jenny realized she had eaten all the biscuits.
'You'll pay for it later, if you continue eating for two!' Clare warned her, as she pointed to the now empty plate
The two sisters chatted about more trivial things for a while and then, entirely on impulse, decided to go shopping while Danielle was still at playgroup. Jenny wanted baby equipment and Clare was in need of lightweight casuals for her forthcoming holiday.
Several times during the following weeks Clare called to see Rachel; but she was always out - or so Clare initially assumed. Nobody answered the door, and eventually she began to wonder if Rachel was actually at home, hiding behind a curtain somewhere waiting for her to go away.
And on one occasion, only a few days before her holiday, these suspicions were confirmed. Clare spied her erstwhile friend through a thick glass-panelled door, by pressing her face close to it. If Jenny had been there she would have shouted impatiently through the letter-box or even resorted to throwing small pieces of gravel up at the upstairs windows. But Clare was not so persistent. She felt like she was some unwelcome stalker and it seemed to her as if she was being treated like one. She soon gave up and went home, mortified that Rachel could be so cruel - she had quite literally shut her out.
After the abortive visit to Rachel's house, Clare phoned as soon as she arrived home, and Rachel answered. 'Hi, I called to see you ten minutes ago and you didn't come to the door.' Clare said, wondering what valid excuse Rachel could possibly come up with. If she doesn't want to see me why doesn't she just bloody say so and have done with it?! Clare thought to herself.
'Oh, I'm sorry, I never heard you knock,' Rachel said rather too innocently for Clare's liking. 'Call round one day next week if you like.'
Clare still didn't know what to think. Had Rachel deliberately ignored her presence? Or was it a genuine excuse? But there was one thing Clare was sure about - she knew she had knocked loud enough.
'I'm off on holiday in a few days... I'll speak to you when I come back... and I'll send you a postcard,' was all Clare could manage to say as she struggled to maintain her composure before putting the phone down.