by Ed Donner

Created on: November 01, 2009   Last Updated: November 10, 2009

Among the many things we want to pass along to our children is the inner strength and wisdom to make lifestyle choices that will be healthy and adaptive. We want our kids to enjoy life, but we also want them look at the long term effects of their decisions. We know that when they reach a certain age, they start making their own decisions. Once they reach adolescence, we want them to decide to not smoke, drink alcohol, or use drugs.

Lay the Groundwork

You lay the groundwork for abstinence long before your child will ever encounter temptations from peers. You socialize your child from infancy on to learn how to control his or her impulses.

To help your child avoid using substances, you need to establish a loving, positive relationship, and you need to master the basic tools of socialization. Children around the world learn to adhere to incredibly diverse life styles, habits, values, morals, and rules of conduct. Children learn these behaviors from parents, family, teachers, friends and other role models. As a parent, you cannot shield your child from the often misguided influence of peers and others. You must use the tools of socialization effectively starting in early childhood if you want your child to learn how to make wise choices.

Use a Healthy Balance of Rewards and Limits

The tools of socialization are based on universal learning principals. Reward your children, with praise, validation, and even physical rewards, when they act they way they should. Listen to them, try to understand their perspective, love them and act with grace.

Be generous with the proverbial carrot. But love and validation is not enough. Children also need limits. Make sure they have no doubt that there are reasonable consequences when they misbehave.

If you are even handed, fair, respectful, and consistent in the use of rewards and punishments, children learn to respect and follow the rules. Once you build a strong, trusting, loving, relationship during their childhood years, you will continue to have influence even as they go through their adolescent years. A balanced, loving use of rewards and limits will establish you as a benevolent authority. If you are too lenient, they won't respect your rules and values. If you are too authoritative, they will rebel and act out. With the proper balance of rewards and limits, your child will internalize the values, limits and beliefs that you advocate. They will make better choices during that time of their life when they are the most vulnerable

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