by Hanna M. Jagow

Created on: October 31, 2009

Many parents can tell you that their children are expert at "guilting" them. What do they mean when they say that? Usually it means that kids will manipulate them into buying stuff, taking them places, or giving them privileges above what is reasonable. There are some strategies to avoid this, and if you have already fallen in that trap, some ways to extricate yourself. You need to give yourself permission to say no without guilt, and have some clear ideas on how to do that.

First, set limits. The best way to teach kids a concept is to role model the value. Do you overspend on clothes, cars, stuff? They will find it hard to accept a limit on spending if it applies to them but not to you.

Parents need to agree on limits between themselves first, then provide a united message to their children. "In this family, we have a budget for entertainment, and it has already been spent..." Or not. In this case, the answer could be yes, because we still have money for that this month. It's possible to teach children basic financial responsibility without engaging them in long discussions about adult issues. If money is tight, kids need to know what is going on, but not be made to feel it is their job to fix the problem.

Second, keep in mind that you are a parent, not a friend or buddy to your child. Your job is to prepare them for a balanced healthy life by providing structure as well as food, clothing, and education. Limits, reasonable routines, and saying no when it is necessary is part of your job description. It is not necessary for them to "like" you at all times. Nourishing relationships with other adults can make you less vulnerable.

If you are already embroiled in an endless battle with a demanding child, here are some tips that might help:

1. Don't argue till they win. Say no firmly, walk away. Get busy doing something else, ignoring their efforts to engage you in an endless "discussion" about their demand. If necessary, use the broken record technique and repeat your answer firmly once or twice. If this pattern has worked in the past, it will be difficult at first, but once the child learns you mean what you say, it will ease.

2. If your decision results in a tantrum, stand your ground. Remember that behavior that is ignored or has a negative result is less likely to be repeated. This is one of those times when having both parents available is paramount-tag teaming can decrease the stress on the person who first said no.

3. According to the authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, many times if a child is intent on wanting something, providing it in fantasy has the double outcome of validating the child's desire, but standing firm on your no. "Yes, honey, I know you want ice cream, but it's time for bed. If I could I would make a banana split as big as the kitchen table and we would both eat till we burst. But it's still time for bed." Sometimes this will work even with a demanding teenager who cannot understand why the family cannot spring for four $100 concert tickets so he can take his girlfriend and another couple...

A demanding kid can be a challenge, but there are ways to cope with them, and in the end "no" can often be the most loving response.

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