Now here we have a topic about which both my partner and I have thought long and hard. When the zombie apocalypse takes place, he and I will survive and we will survive well. Let me share with you our plans so that you, too, might survive the impending doom.
First, we have NECROSLEDGE. These are machetes painted black by my best friend and fellow zombie-anti-enthusiast, Steve. They read "Necrosledge" along the sides, and they are mounted in the central roomof our home for easy access when zombie attack. Why machetes and not shotguns? Simple. There has been a lot of debate around the proper way to destroy a zombie beast, but all of them seem to agree that severing the brain from the spinal cord is the way to go. That somehow, without this pivotal connection, zombies are no longer reanimated dead: they're just plain dead. So, machetes. They don't need reloading, they don't require precision and a good shooting eye, and they can be handled by young and old alike. Not to mention their usefulness when navigating the wilderness in the event that we need to relocate for resources - because if there's a necropalypse, you better believe the roads will not be your best plan for getting out of dodge. In the end, it will all come down to hack and slash, baby.
Second, code names. Some zombies, such as the zombies in the countless "Night of the Living Dead" movies, or the more recent "Land of the Dead", are moderately sentient with the ability to communicate on basic levels. For this reason, it is vital that your zombie fighting core have specific codenames to identify each other in the fray. This may not stop them from becoming a zombie, but at least you'll know with whom you're dealing and whether or not you should think twice before letting the ol' necrosledge fly. Think about it. You're hacking your waying through a zombie-fied street and you run into your best friend, or your mom. They, too, are wielding the necrosledge given by the Steve. They are covered from head to toe in blood and may even be sporting non-bite-induced wounds from which they are bleeding themselves. How will you know not to slash them up yourself? Codenames. Know your codename and know theirs. This will save you any embarassing murders of your loved ones.
Third, have a plan. Like any good fire safety plan, you have to have an escape route and a planned meeting place. When the zombie apocalypes comes, the phone lines will be jammed with unprepared losers trying to call 911 for help, or their moms to warn them. No luck there. Cell phone towers are contingent on operating systems which will likely crash, as will the internet inventually given the inevitable collapse of power plants (sooner or later), so no ICQ and AIM. You may have some long range walkie talkies, but they generally only reach 2 to 5 miles of one another. Ham radios are only so good as their operators, and only if you have the same frequency. Plus, how long do you wanna fudge around with a ham radio with the undead scratching at your windows? No. You need a planned meeting place. It will have to be a safe place that can be secured from the inside. One with a predictable amount of zombies - meaning it can't be a supermarket, because we all know zombies flock to the places they went most in life - It should also have enough food and water to last you a good long while. Internal roof access would be nice with gardneing supplies and clear tarps for a greenhouse to create your own self-sustaining garden.
To identify your meeting place, start driving around your neighborhood. Remember, it can't be too far off because the roads will be jammed. (SIDE-NOTE: Get a four-wheeler or other ATV. Cars will be useless as they will congest the roadways and a Dodge neon can't drive through a tree; dirt bikes might also be helpful, and consider those alternative routes, like the wilderness, we talked about). If you are fortunate enough to live in an older city, you might begin to notice "fall-out shelter" signs around town (at your local YMCA, perhaps), but don't be fooled. These are defunct in most instances, will not be equipped with the food you need, and sure, it's all well and good to hide out in a cement, underground bunker, but how safe will you be once they get inside with you? Hmmm? No. Look harder. Few windows, few doors, cement or brick walls, barred windows, and remember: lots, and lots of food. For this reason, my partner and I have devised a plan to meet our loved ones at a remote warehouse that ships various materials to a particular brand of nationwide grocery stores. This warehouse, being such, is equipped with palette-jacks that can be used to lift tons of crates filled with (literally) tons of steel/tin/canned goods to block all the doorways and windows. For OSHA requirements, there are internal showers and generators, which means electricity and well water. Not to mention the thousands of tons of bottled water and non-perishable food items around. The gardening supplies can be found in the warehouse as most grocers now sell simple soil and seeds, and there is internal roof access with no external ladders. There will be a limited number of zombies on the premises at any given time as they employ only 100 or so workers on varied shifts. We can take out a hundred or so zombies (of the slow moving variety, at least) with a couple of machetes.
Another option might be your local Mason Lodge. Mason lodges, due to the mysterious secretive behavior of their order, usually lack windows. This means that the only entrance is the front door, which comes in very handy when it comes time to start crafting barricades. They may not be well-equipped with food and you may have to break in, but it could serve as a good meeting ground for you and your family to collect their thoughts, inventory their assets, and formulate a game plan for future survival. Just make sure you have roof access - one entrance also means one exit.
Now, having mentioned most of my masterful plans, let me put one final plug in for the most brilliant zombie-safe community I have ever encountered. I recently took a trip to Belize (a small country on the Yucatan Peninsula) to tour Mayan ruins. While on the bus traveling the 2 hours to our Mayan ruin site, I got to see A LOT of the country side. Now, this is a jungle where the ground is like a sponge (think of those green foamy things you press flowers into...that's the ground in Belize). For this reason, the houses are mostly on stilts with retractable stair access - indeed, the stairs are about a full flight and a half, making the buildings well above the heads of any zombie below. The stilts are deep in the ground to avoid slippage during the rainy season, thus they are practically indestructible. This puts you at quite an advantage to be ABOVE the zombies (this is when you'd want a shotgun, though, so you could pick them off easily). Second thing about Belize, all Belize houses have bars on their windows. I asked about this and it is apparently due to the high crime rate, but regardless, good thick bars on the windows is an advantage in a zombie attack. Third, natural predators. There are vultures and crocodiles galore in this country, ready to sink their beaks into the eye sockets of any undead traveler. And fourth, and this is the biggie, because Belize is such an impoverished country, most Belise homes are self-sustaining farms with produce growing year-round and livestock - just enough to keep a family going for a full year and then over again. They also don't have acid rain yet, so the rain water (and there is a LOT of rain water) is safe to drink). Voila! Belize has my vote for the safest city in which to live during a zombie attack. So...you might think about moving.