The blended family holiday or celebration can be a fiery gathering. There are many feelings and traditions to consider. The most successful way to get through these events is to remember that the ultimate goal for everyone involved is to maintain peace while celebrating.
PLANNING AND COMMUNICATION
Before you talk to anyone else about your celebration or holiday event, be sure you have talked to your spouse and you agree on size of the event, location, duration and cost.
It is extremely important to make sure everyone who will be involved in the event is present when the planning takes place. Even if everyone can't physically attend a planning meeting, it is important to get their input. Seeking input makes room for all perspectives to be honored. This means including the youngest participants and the eldest members of the blended family. Inclusion avoids any one person planning the event in a vacuum and making assumptions about what everyone wants. It also ensures that the key players are able to communicate their desires directly.
After the initial meetings have begun, it will be important to communicate choices to those who were not able to attend. Give a deadline for response and then move forward with your plan.
DIVISION OF LABOR
It should be clear at the onset who is responsible for what function of the event. If you decide to host, be prepared to cover costs, set up, clean up and accommodate the needs of guests. If you only want to provide the space and delegate other responsibilities, make sure these expectations are spelled out clearly during the planning stage for your event. Resentment is a tough hurdle to clear after it already has set in, and you don't want to spend your time together managing the emotion of it. Someone will resent the event and the family members who have come together to celebrate if the workload is unequal.
TRADITIONS
One of the biggest sources of friction when planning a blended family event is the decision about which family traditions are most important. The ideal way to approach the dilemma about traditions is to find a way to incorporate a small aspect of all traditions. Exchange Christmas gifts, host a small menorah ceremony for Hannukah, and observe one of the principles of Kwanzaa by doing a group activity, for example. The prospect of doing a little of it all allows everyone to participate in your event comfortably and gives an opportunity for some to learn new traditions.
If you are not able to blend every single tradition into your celebration, you may need to ensure that any future celebrations make room for the traditions you leave out of the current celebration. Have a different theme each year, for example. It shows mutual respect if you go the distance to respect the ways in which everyone wants to observe a holiday or mark an occasion.
Any conflicts between extended family members and the new nuclear family should be put aside. It is often important for children to have grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family members present at holiday events. Everyone should be willing to put aside whatever beef exists for the duration of the gathering. This includes avoiding power struggles and unhealthy competition. A mean-spirited, vicious contest of one-upmanship means everyone loses. Holidays and special gatherings should show a spirit of collaboration.
THE EVENT
Because even the best laid plans can be sabotaged or fail, it is important to make sure there are proper escape plans for drunk relatives, dueling ex-spouses, opinionated grandparents, cranky siblings and grievous grudge-holders. You and your spouse should have a secret code for removing the trouble-making element from the party or shutting the party down completely. If any of these prototype personalities have a personal history of creating drama, you should have a talk with the potential culprit before the event begins. Remind the person that you want this to be a harmonious event in which everyone gets along. If he can't agree to this, don't be afraid to tell him that he will be asked to leave if he can't comply.
MINIMIZING FRICTION
At any blended family event, there are always two parties going on. There is the physical one that everyone in the room can see, and there is the emotional one that is rife with old resentments, insecurities, distrust and suspicion. The goal is always to keep focused on the physical party and not give in to the bells and whistles going off in the emotional party.
If there are gifts involved, be sure to express during the planning phase what amount should be spent and what the expectation is for gift giving. If a biological child and a stepchild, for instance, are celebrating a birthday together, everyone who gives a gift should give gifts of comparable value or give no gifts at all. If everyone agrees on the spirit of gift giving, then the chance of hurt feelings or misunderstandings is minimized.
These type of events also seem to be fertile ground for any kind of subtle competitions to surface. An absent biological parent may want to outshine the custodial biological parent and stepparent by showering a child with expensive, lavish gifts. No one should have to compete for a child's affection based on gifts. Allow the gift to be given and make time for the biological parents to have a civil discussion about it later. If there can be no agreement, then the best approach would be to discuss the possibility of two separate events to celebrate in the future.
No plan for the blended family is ever foolproof, error-free or without room for improvement. People and personalities change with each subsequent gathering. Cheerful, festive events are more than possible, though.
It is important to remember that you are building new history based on the fact that relationships, namely a marriage, have changed. You are combining the long traditions of two separate families, while trying to build new traditions as a single family, and you'll want as many stress-free rituals as possible.