by Cherryl Floyd-Miller

Created on: October 30, 2009   Last Updated: October 31, 2009

The blended family holiday or celebration can be a fiery gathering. There are many feelings and traditions to consider. The most successful way to get through these events is to remember that the ultimate goal for everyone involved is to maintain peace while celebrating.

PLANNING AND COMMUNICATION

Before you talk to anyone else about your celebration or holiday event, be sure you have talked to your spouse and you agree on size of the event, location, duration and cost.

It is extremely important to make sure everyone who will be involved in the event is present when the planning takes place. Even if everyone can't physically attend a planning meeting, it is important to get their input. Seeking input makes room for all perspectives to be honored. This means including the youngest participants and the eldest members of the blended family. Inclusion avoids any one person planning the event in a vacuum and making assumptions about what everyone wants. It also ensures that the key players are able to communicate their desires directly.

After the initial meetings have begun, it will be important to communicate choices to those who were not able to attend. Give a deadline for response and then move forward with your plan.

DIVISION OF LABOR

It should be clear at the onset who is responsible for what function of the event. If you decide to host, be prepared to cover costs, set up, clean up and accommodate the needs of guests. If you only want to provide the space and delegate other responsibilities, make sure these expectations are spelled out clearly during the planning stage for your event. Resentment is a tough hurdle to clear after it already has set in, and you don't want to spend your time together managing the emotion of it. Someone will resent the event and the family members who have come together to celebrate if the workload is unequal.

TRADITIONS

One of the biggest sources of friction when planning a blended family event is the decision about which family traditions are most important. The ideal way to approach the dilemma about traditions is to find a way to incorporate a small aspect of all traditions. Exchange Christmas gifts, host a small menorah ceremony for Hannukah, and observe one of the principles of Kwanzaa by doing a group activity, for example. The prospect of doing a little of it all allows everyone to participate in your event comfortably and gives an opportunity for some to learn new traditions.

If you are not able to blend every single

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