by Thornshackle

Created on: October 30, 2009   Last Updated: November 01, 2009

I found out last night that I do not need anything. I repeat, I-NEED-NOTHING. How do I know that I need nothing? Why, it's quite simple really, a fortune cookie told me so. Okay, so it didn't actually speak right up and verbally tell me that I need nothing, but when I found it there, alone on the street, and I cracked it open, there it was on printed in black laser printer ink on a slip of expertly cut white, low gloss paper. Now of course I had to eat the cookie, or else the fortune wouldn't come true. That is the way that the tradition goes, isn't it? Well anyway, after that my stomach really started to hurt. I found myself lying on the sidewalk, all curled up in a fetal ball, while some teenagers ransacked the contents of my wallet, and coat pockets. "That's okay I don't need any of that stuff anyway", I muttered in between pained gasps for a lungful of air, "The cookie told me so." I probably shouldn't have muttered that last part, for they redoubled their ransacking of my person, all the while asking me where I stashed the good stuff. I tried to tell them that I didn't need the good stuff, or the bad stuff. I tried to tell them that I didn't need anything at all. Those kids must have finally believed that, because they took off with my coat, and designer Italian Leather boots. That's okay though, because I don't need them. A little while later, a Good Samaritan came by and called the paramedics for me just before making off with my cellular phone-which is fine because I don't need a phone.

Upon arriving at the scene, the paramedics asked me if I was injured. I admitted that I wasn't feeling terribly wonderful, and I recounted my story to them about how destiny had planted that fortune cookie in my path upon the sidewalk, they looked at each other, and then one of them said to me: "Sir you definitely need a doctor." "Oh no I don't!" I said firmly. I told them how the fortune cookie never said: "You need a doctor." I even went so far as to show them the message which had been contained within the bowels of said cookie. Once again, they looked at each other. I wondered why they kept doing that. I asked if they were in some secret relationship which required mutual self affirmation every five minutes or so. They didn't much like that though, for they grabbed a hold of me, stuffed me in the back of their ambulance, and drove me away somewhere.

The hospital it turned out was where they were taking me. I tried to explain to them that I did not need to go to the

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