by Athena Brady

Created on: October 29, 2009   Last Updated: November 07, 2009

So where was the freedom I guarded so jealously?

And sought so hard to steal because I thought it would not be given to me freely

And who were the enemies I concealed my deepest thoughts and wishes from?

Were they closer than I ever imagined; buried deep within?

A mere projection of what lay dormant all along?

The need for drama ever present

What was I running away from but life itself and all its twists and turns

Or the utter hopelessness of events that could not be altered

As they had already left their mark upon the ones once so innocent

Defiled by the cruel tormentor who I knew so well and the living of life in this time

With no compassion or thought to their victims

Did I run, walk or was I pushed?

Did I wander freely into the barren landscape?

Trapped in the prison of my own mind and the mind of a monster

Desperately searching in the blackness for rhyme or reason

Whilst my body twisted and turned, leaving its youth behind

Deep in the depth of thoughts not yet understood or completed

Yes, I admit part of it was humanity and my distaste of it

The all encompassing need for solitude

The brutal need for survival at all costs

The fear of staying intense and demanding

But escapism had long been my savior

Yet also, the flesh of my flesh and my veiled hatred of the interruption of my thoughts and dreams, wishes and hopes,

The undiscovered territory of me beckoned relentlessly

Unknown to me and unseen by others

Selfishness, Survival or Self Protection?

One or all or still unfound?

The slipping away of the passage of time and the need to be all I could be

The slipping away of the passage of time and the need to be all I could be

Ticking, ticking like an unexploded bomb

Reverberating away continuously in the eyes of my mind

Swirling into the mists of past present and future

Its only satisfaction in the doing of the deed

The disappointment and the disgust at the refusal of independence

Which would unlock my own from its dark prison

For which it seemed I had waited so long

The damaged lifestyles bent on their own destruction

I would not and could not watch the destruction unfold as a willing participant

Smashing all I had tried to build with savage intent

Retreat was my old friend and I would use it well and find it true

The precious peace I sought found me

And deserted me at the same time

Delicious and destructive by its nature

I am unable to leave it behind as the pain is as exquisite as the joy

And I must acknowledge my need for both

As one cannot be measured without the other

The wondering continues from a distance

The story as yet, not fully told guarded by its owner

Defiance against the deed and the need to regain control

Stripped so maliciously with vengeful motive

The need and impossibility of leaving a part of yourself

A sore that must be picked

A pain that must be felt

A lesson that will be learned

Dragging its victims to conclusion to completion

Wished coming true fulfilled

The consequence of what was paid

Gain and loss intertwined and inseparable

Positive and negative strange but necessary bedfellows in the search for truth

The layers of an onion slowly unpeeling

Neediness transforming to independence

Letting go reluctantly then gratefully

Self awareness including the recognition of others

Once craved now complete

The bitter-sweet stitches of life's rich tapestry

Now renewed and replenished the unknown chapter begins for all, not one

Drinking in unison from the cup of life

Different yet interconnected in love and kinship

The completion of cause and effect

And so it begins again without judgment of those loved so dearly

Who are of me but not me

Separation and independence accepted

Apart, yet together in heart and soul

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