by Hanna M. Jagow

Created on: October 29, 2009

Nothing chills a parent's heart more than to learn their child has been molested, usually by somebody the parent trusted, maybe even paid to take care of the child. However, hand wringing and crying will not help the child. Having counseled many parents in this situation, here is my best advice.

1. Curb emotional inclinations to over-dramatize the incident by you or friends and family. Get the facts, using scientific words for body parts. A child will sense if you are so grossed out you have lost all perspective, and your reaction will only add to whatever trauma the child has suffered. At this point most parents tend to blame themselves for not protecting their child, and while this is a normal reaction, it is not helpful. You must forgive yourself and let it go, remembering that people who prey on children are accomplished con artists.

2. Seek professional help as soon as you know a molestation has occurred. Children who are believed, taken to a doctor or hospital for an exam, treated with respect and told it was not their fault no matter what do much better in the long haul. Self esteem and a feeling of competence can be rebuilt, the sooner the better. At times what seems serious to adults could be only normal childhood exploration, and a professional can help you sort that out. Playing "doctor" with another child of equal power is actually normal, and should not be blown out of proportion. Molestation is when the power differential is substantial, and a child's trust has been violated.

3. Listen to your professional's thoughts on what needs to happen next. This can depend greatly on the age of the child, the severity of the trauma, and your family's ability to go forward with a positive outlook.

4. Abuse is abuse. Do not be tempted to think that it was "only...." Any time a person with more power and persuasion uses a smaller person for their own gratification, it is abuse. The child's sense of self, safety, and innocence have been compromised. A doctor I know uses the illustration of two dead bodies at the morgue, one strangled, one mangled by being run over by a truck. Which is more dead? While it is important not to over-dramatize the occurrence, neither is it helpful to underestimate the potential damage.

5. Sometimes children will withdraw from the world, sometimes they will have panic attacks and sometimes they might regress to a much earlier developmental stage where it becomes okay again to wet their pants, or soil. If this is the case, parents

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