3 of 39

Write now Article Tools

People affected by affairs, especially the victims of it, tend to spend a lot of time blaming the perpetrator or wondering why it happened. Many relationships are often killed by an affair but, according to John M Gottman, a marriage psychologist and author of The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, who studied over 650 married couples, "an affair is usually the symptom of a dying marriage (relationship) rather than the cause of it". It means that affairs do not come out of nowhere. They are triggered by a dysfunctional relationship which is burdened by negativity, has lost most of its positivity, has seen little real friendship between the couple and is highly unequal.

In such a situation, the people involved begin to experience more pain than happiness, but are not sure how to resolve those negative feelings. Instead, they cope by disengaging themselves from each other emotionally. Gradually, they begin to feel lonely because of that emotional separation and start to look outwards for affirmation to stem the loneliness and lack of joy - i.e an affair begins.

There are seven triggers of unhappiness in a relationship which often lead to affairs and they are the following:

1. Harsh startups: Discussions that begin with criticism, sarcasm or contempt instead of a willingness to listen.

2. Constant criticism: Instead of complaining about the action of your spouse you constantly criticise and attack them instead. Yet, actions can always be changed.

3. Contempt: This includes any form of sneering, eye rolling, mockery or name calling aimed at the other party. It does not show much respect for the other person's feelings.

4. Defensiveness: One person tends to make out that the other person is always at fault, implying that they, personally, would not have contributed to the situation in any way.

5. Stonewalling: Opting out of a discussion by refusing to listen to the other party in order to reduce the further possibility of being hurt. This is not only disrespectful of the spouse, and frustrating for them, but it merely builds up further resentment and anger for the future as the problem is never resolved if one person is usually removing him/herself from the discussion.

6. Emotional flooding: A partner is frequently overwhelmed by verbal attacks from the other, or both engage in this to get their points across. However, that can actually affect someone physically through raised heart rate, blood pressure and adrenalin. In time, the verbal attacks become 'a

• 1
• 2
• next page >>

Add your voice

Know something about Why people have affairs?
We want to hear your view. Write now!