by Amy Louhela

Created on: October 29, 2009

"A life without pain"

Tonight very briefly I remembered it - I felt it - I wanted it so bad that the tears began to slowly travel down my cheeks. I wanted to be free from pain. I think of my life in two phases; my life before pain and my life now. I remember when walking, dancing, skiing and hiking just happened. There was no question about being capable. Every step, every movement now brings to my mind the daily struggle I am experiencing.

My prayer every single evening is: Please God let me wake up without pain. Just one day. Lord, why me? Why do I have to be in pain? I try to bargain with God.

I try to figure out what it is that made me sick. Genetics just doesn't always seem plausible to me. Was it the wood ticks I had on me as a child? Was it being on Coumadin after my stroke? Was it being exposed to Radium in our drinking water when we lived in Saint Francis or maybe it was when the water was bad in Floodwood? Could it be the infection I had in my body after I had Tristan? Is it really rheumatoid arthritis and Fibromyalgia or do I have something else wrong with me?

I somehow believe that if I find the cause - I will find the solution.

I am tired of hearing Amy, you're always sick or Sick again! I know that I am sick too much. I am dreading the winter. I am tired of spending my winters missing work, at the doctor and on antibiotics! I just want to be healthy. I juice all the time, take vitamins everyday and eat lots of fruits and veggies.

I am tired of pretending that I am ok because guess what? I'm not ok! It's not all about attitude. Attitude does not cure diseases! Think about it for a minute - if you have a good attitude will that prevent your death? I don't think so. This is my reality - not yours. When the pain hits so hard and you feel like you've lost your breath it's impossible to be in two states of mind during this situation.

My disability is not the same as everyone else's just because you know someone that has the same diagnosis it does not mean that the disease is affecting me the same way it affected them. It also doesn't mean that what cured them will cure me. It also means that my limitations are different -
I am not an irresponsible person because I'm sick. I work full time, go to grad school and take care of my family - it's just not easy.

I'm also fat - not because I'm lazy It's because I don't feel good and my body is producing too much Cortisol. I used to run every single morning. Every time I see someone else running I remember the life I had and the life I want and I feel confused. I knew how to lose weight when I could run!

Just because I look fine on the outside does not mean that I'm fine on the inside.

I am in no way looking for sympathy!

I want people to understand.

Not just me but other people in similar situations.

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