by Hanna M. Jagow

Created on: October 28, 2009

It begins when a couple brings home a new baby.

Or maybe in some cases even sooner. Many infants are kicking and pummeling mom from the inside even before birth. For much of the pregnancy, Mom's bladder is so squished she must stay close to a bathroom at all times or face the humiliation of having "accidents" that would make a preschooler blush. During late pregnancy, mom is being trained to operate with two or three hours of sleep per night in preparation for Baby coming home to live outside her womb, since she spends half her night traipsing to the bathroom to void two thimbles of liquid at a time.

Doctors say that a fetus takes whatever it needs from its mother's body, such as trace minerals, with no hesitation and no consideration of whether mom can spare the substance. That is why prenatal vitamins the size of golf balls are so hard to swallow. Women who have given birth to several Babies in a row find it takes years for the yellow pallor of their skin to return to normal, and for their energy to return to half of what it was BB (Before Baby).

Once entrenched in its crib or bassinet, the little person becomes a tyrant. Mom has a headache? Dad worked a double shift? Baby does not care if it is hungry, wet, cold, has a dirty diaper or just wants to be snuggled and rocked. The only thing protecting Baby from having this instant egolomania deflated permanently is the built-in crazy love parents have for him. Because of this nonsensical emotion that would cause a rational adult to throw themselves in front of a train for Baby, the Baby is encouraged to continue demanding whatever she wants whenever she wants it.

Enter the toddler. Following a period of ruling from a vibrating chair or swing, the Child begins to cruise. Any fragile item valued by parents needs to be put out of reach, or the Child will destroy it. Porcelain? Makes a nice crinkly sound hitting the floor. Same with crystal, glass, or anything else breakable. Can a banana peel fit into the VHS slot? Why not?!

On another front, forget the decorator-inspired environment mom and dad paid so much to acquire. Some things simply will not survive being sucked on, licked, or chewed by a toothless uncaring little Person. During this stage the family pet also becomes at risk, although fortunately most figure out quickly who is favored and learn to move quickly, even disappear totally. Mom learns that holding a purring cat on her lap can only happen if Little Person is asleep. And of course, Little People make sure they are wide awake when Mom needs a nap.

This is only the beginning of abuse. Parents will suffer through elementary school programs that would put a kangaroo to sleep sitting on hard wooden benches made for behinds half their size, teenagers who demand a drivers' license and a car when they cannot be held responsible for picking up their own dirty laundry, and college kids who just bring it home for mom to do.

Then, if all goes well, those same college students will graduate and start a family of their own. Only then will they realize how lucky they were to have parents who not only put up with the abuse, they loved them unconditionally through it all and will gladly babysit so they can be abused some more.

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