by Carol Gioia

Created on: October 28, 2009   Last Updated: March 25, 2011

Expressing condolences at a funeral can be awkward. Finding the proper way to convey your care and concern might be a challenge, when you are potentially feeling a high level of discomfort over the sadness and grief of the occasion.

Some individuals attending funerals have a tendency to nervously babble on, while others find themselves at a loss for words.  Knowing what subjects to avoid at funerals can instill confidence into your choice of words, and allow you to circumvent awkward feelings and discomfort for those in mourning and yourself.

Subjects to avoid at funerals:

Negative comments about the deceased

Focus your conversation on the positive traits of the person who has passed. Even if he had a well-known reputation as a gambler, womanizer or drunk, the funeral is not the time to bring up those shortcomings. Avoid anecdotes about the deceased that might highlight his weaknesses.

Everyone has something good to reminisce about; even if you resort to simply saying, "I'm going to miss his smile," your sincerity will be appreciated.

Finances

Avoid talking about anything with a financial element. Questions such as, "Did he leave a will?" or "Are the medical bills overwhelming?" are in poor taste.

Even if the grieving widow brings up the subject of money herself, as in, "I don't know how I will manage without him," express sympathy and understanding at her loss of companionship, without prompting further conversation about finances.

Personal experience

Keep in mind that the occasion is not about you. Refrain from using your own personal experiences to illustrate your understanding of how the mourner feels. Going off on a tangent about how grief-stricken you were when your mother died, and how long it took you to get over it, will not be helpful or comforting.

Any comments that begin with, "I know just how you feel" are presumptuous and better left unsaid.

Invasive questions about the deceased

Don't allow curiosity to get the better of your good judgment. Asking how he died, did he suffer, or how long he was ill, might potentially cause the grieving individual to relive unpleasant events or circumstances regarding her loved one's passing.

Avoid making comments about the deceased's present appearance in the coffin. You may think the funeral parlor did a marvelous job of making him look his best, but the grieving person might not want to hear how wonderful her loved ones looks dead.

Avoid drama

Don't be sadder than the bereaved. Approaching someone who has suffered a loss with a tearful, dramatic demeanor of your own is inappropriate. Better to go outside than to display over-the-top emotions and exacerbate drama into a somber occasion.

Imposing your own religious beliefs

Unless you are familiar with the religious beliefs of the mourners, don't make comments like, "He is in a better place," or He is surely in Heaven. While these sound like good comments for the occasion, the philosophy behind the words may not align with the beliefs of the bereaved. Proceed with caution when you touch on spiritual matters.

Confine your comments to positive, celebratory observations about the deceased and expressions of love and sorrow for the bereaved and you can be assured that your thoughtful presence at any funeral will be an added level of comfort to the loved ones of the deceased.

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