by Howard Farkas

Created on: October 28, 2009

The doctor told your husband that he has to lose weight, lower his cholesterol, and get more exercise. He agrees and makes a good initial effort, but he soon falls right back into old behavior patterns.

You don't like to nag, but you truly care about his health, so you find yourself watching what he eats, and encouraging him to exercise. When he tells you to back off, you work even harder to make sure he does what he supposed to do. You're only trying to help, but in fact, you may be making things worse.

Why? Because when someone is thinking about trying to adopt a healthier lifestyle, there's a part of them that wants to change but there's another part of them that is more comfortable continuing the old, unhealthy behaviors. That's normal ambivalence, and it's a big part of the reason that change is so difficult.

Those two sides are in always in conflict with each other, so even while he slides back into his old pattern, he will occasionally feel badly about it and may even make a new effort to change. At some point, he gives up again until the next time he tries. Sound familiar? It happens to everyone, including those who eventually succeed at making the behavior change permanent.

But what happens to that internal conflict when you become concerned and begin to take more control? When that happens, those two sides within him are no longer in conflict, because you just came along and took over one side of the debate he was having with himself. That leaves him with the only remaining side of the debate: I don't want to change!

It reminds me of watching my grandparents argue when I was young. Grandma would constantly badger Grandpa about watching his diet. When she wasn't looking, Grandpa would sneak some cookies or chips, as if he was getting away with something.

On some level, he knew it wasn't good for him and he cared about his health, but his immediate concern was not getting caught by Grandma. Of course she had the best of intentions, but they both lost sight of the real goal that they shared: Grandpa's health. Instead, they got caught up in the battle.

That doesn't mean you should have no input at all. It simply means that how the input is given makes all the difference. The key is to be in the role of supporting change, not owning it.

Here are some tips to keep in mind:

1. Don't turn it into a power struggle or you're liable to make that the issue instead of your concern for his health. Do speak in a way that shows that you're both on the same side.

2. Don't assume he doesn't care about his health. It's more about the difficulty of changing behavior than a lack of concern. Do express your understanding of how hard it is to change and explore ways that you could work together to help make it easier.

3. Don't create the impression that you'll always be there as a safety net, because if you take all the responsibility, he won't. Do allow him space to slip up without stepping in to help. He'll eventually realize that no one else will do it for him.

Remember that there's only one person who can really be in charge of changing behavior, and that's the one who has to do it. It may be hard to back off, but that's the only way they'll have room to step up.

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