by Charlene Iannella

Created on: October 28, 2009

Unrequited love

She kept thinking of Gone with the Wind, kept seeing Scarlett looking so hopefully at Ashley, as though at any moment, it could change. He might toss off all societal pressures and suffocating values they all adhered to and be with her. She kept seeing Scarlett believe Ashley loved her, even with everything so clearly showing her that he didn't even really know her, or want to, at least, not in that way.

Her name is Lindsay, she is a thirty year old woman with long chestnut hair that she has pulled back from her face today, pulled up in a loose knot that showed off the layers and highlights running through her hair. She is driving through the town she grew up in, sunglasses hiding her dark brown eyes, as she navigates streets that she could probably drive on with her eyes shut. She rubs the back of her neck with one hand, steering with the other, as she keeps contemplating the most frustrating part of her favorite love story, Scarlett's infatuation with Ashley. But many love stories have a similar frame. There's a guy who loves a girl, thinks Lindsay, and a girl who can't stop loving some other guy who isn't the guy but keeps her from the one who is. Is that what she was doing? Did she fall in love so deeply with Michael that she just couldn't stop being in love with him? Or was he her favorite defense, guarding her from the passive reality of relationships and the pain that they can cause? Lindsay no longer knew what to think but she did know one thing for sure, Michael had become her Ashley and wherever that led, it had already left a wake in her life that she could never repair.

There was her marriage, from which she emerged stronger but with much more guilt, knowing that a great deal of what went wrong was her own fault, because her thoughts returned to Michael far too often, imagining twists and turns that would put the two of them directly in each other's path. Then there was every other man she met, who she always seemed to undermine with her continued subconscious, unwarranted loyalty to him, much like the way Scarlett let Ashley hold so much space in her heart and mind that no one else could get through. It was frustrating, that she could feel herself do it, like the moment after turning off the alarm and feeling sleep take you too far away, but not being able to stop yourself from it.

A sound, loud and blaring, made her jump in her seat. It was the black Expedition behind her, beeping that the light had changed. Alright already, jeez, Lindsay said out loud. Everyone was in such a hurry all the time. It was the middle of the day, where were any of these people going? Her foot jerked to the accelerator and she headed to work, thoughts of how much of her life she'd really wasted or if it was more the greatest journey of her life. It was time to find out if Michael was her heart's deepest excuse or if for all her cynicism, she actually had spent her entire adult life hopelessly loving one man who just didn't love her back.

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