Self mutilation affects one percent of people in the US, with teens being the most prone to doing it to themselves and girls outnumbering boys by 5 to 1.
As a parent, it is important to understand that self-mutilation is not an indication that the teen is definitely suicidal. It is more of a coping mechanism to help them deal with the extreme underlying tension and anxieties they feel caused by the pressure of their homes, peer groups, school or whatever external stimuli that is affecting them unduly. Self mutilation provides a way out of their pain and gives them a sense of control over their lives.
Often self-mutilation begins as a random act at one particular time when they feel most anxious (like having a disappointment, hurt or rejection). It can trigger feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and failure which then lead to self mutilation, a kind of self blame and punishment. But is likely to settle into a habit on a regular basis, if it achieves the result expected. Though the teen may not be really hurt by it, feeling hardly any pain, they may feel a great sense of relief and comfort after doing it. From then on the impulse to injure themselves can occur almost without thinking. However, if it gets worse or carries on for too long, it can have the opposite effect of inducing helplessness, impotence and alienation in the teen.
The most common form of self mutilation is by cutting and slashing on the arms and legs, in particular, but there can also be burns, biting, scratching or bruising. Any kind of handy object can be used including scissors, knives, razors, lighters and even a paper clip, because it has a pointed edge. Self mutilators tend to have a history of physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and have a sense of shame about themselves. They tend to be low in self esteem, have high levels of anxiety, worry a lot, seem unable to cope with difficult or stressful situations, tend to retreat into themselves or their own space and, most often, are feeling invisible and neglected by their parents.
As a parent you can help your teen in the following ways:
1. Try and find out as much as you can about self-mutilation. Just don't panic, educate yourself instead. By improving your own knowledge on the subject, it will carry less fear and anxiety for you. Try not to issue ultimatums or judge the behaviour either. Compassion and understanding is most needed at such times.
2. Find time for your teen and talk to him/her as much as possible. Discover why they are driven to treat themselves in that loveless way. Try not to judge, but to encourage and gain their confidence. That is important because there are all kinds of self-mutilation. For example, some may do it as an experiment, some do it to attract attention some to shock others, while others might do it to embarrass their parents who might have been strict with them. They see it as the parents' fault they are driven to that kind of behaviour. Hence the reasons are not always the same. Teasing out your teen's reasons will help you to address their needs more confidently.
3. One option is to enroll the teen in a skill building group, to make them feel more confident and able to cope; and to increase their sense of self in a positive way.
4. Encourage your teen to make a list of other activities they find relaxing and soothing (like walks, jogging, dancing to their music, blogging, talking to friends, taking a bath or even cleaning their room); things they can keep busy with to reduce the feeling of tension and the urge to harm themselves. In that way they can develop other coping mechanisms.
5. If it will work, apply some consequences for the self-mutilation, as you see fit, or you can use the carrot approach instead as an outcome if they stopped mutilating.
6. Get some medication for your child, if you think it is necessary, so that they have some immediate calming help. However, getting to the root of the problem and addressing it, perhaps with some counselling or professional help, should always be the main goal.
7. Try to find out the root cause of the problem, with professional help. Professionals can help far more. Getting counseling or psychotherapy for the teen can help them to understand their feelings and their triggers: why they hurt herself, what situations seem threatening, and what steps the teen can take to help himself by learning healthier ways of coping with his/her intense emotions.
In the meantime, try to affirm and reinforce the teen as much as possible; show him lots of appreciation and love and try to get her to express herself and her fears as often as possible. Try to show them their value and to reinforce their capabilities at all times. Those actions should gradually build their esteem and lessen their feelings of vulnerability.