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I have one vivid childhood memory that sums up how it feels growing up with an alcoholic father. My mom and dad were screaming at each other again and my dad is doing his best to make my mom feel worthless. Suddenly amongst the screaming I hear dad say, "I will just kill myself and make everyone in the family happy." I could hear him fumbling with the gun cabinet trying to get it open. I stood in my room with my eyes squeezed shut listening and waiting for my mom to stop him or for him to pull the trigger and end the madness. To this day I'm not sure what outcome I wanted. My dad didn't kill himself that night, but he did scare his little girl enough to sneak into her parent's room later that night and take the key to the gun cabinet and hide it. I hoped by doing this small thing I could protect me and my dad from himself.

I have always made excuses for my father. I love him and I know he has a disease that I cannot cure. I had no idea how profoundly my dad's alcoholism affected me until I was about 27 years old. I was at my dad's house for a birthday party and we started arguing which now looking back I realize we always argued, something I usually instigated because of my underlying anger towards him. The verbal battle became particularly ugly when he brought up the death of my mother that occurred 6 years earlier. I couldn't handle talking about my mother's death so I started to scream at him, "You are nothing but an alcoholic!" "How does it feel to be a drunk who is going to grow old and lonely because nobody loves a drunk?" My dad became physical and pushed me into a corner. I don't even remember what he said but I do remember telling him repeatedly, "You are dead to me." I left my father's house thinking I would never speak to him or see him again. I only made it a block away and I had to pull over. I began to sob uncontrollably causing my whole body shake. All I could think is my father is going to kill himself and it will be my fault. I was afraid. I had to call him and tell him that I loved him and I was sorry.

Our relationship is better now and I am open with him about how much I dislike it when he drinks. Dad and I have come to an understanding; if I'm around he tries to drink less and if I feel like he is overdoing it I will leave and I don't have to feel guilty. However, it wasn't until after that night three years ago that I realized I have a lot of hurt and anger buried deep inside. It only took twenty or so years of hiding my feelings before I could confront my dad about how affected I am by his drinking problem. I am still repressing old feelings but I do think I reached a turning point because now I know the feelings are inside waiting for the moment when I am ready to deal with them. I'm taking baby steps to repair the damage living with alcoholism causes.

While I don't think all of my personality flaws are due to my father being an alcoholic I do think a few traits are related; such as hiding my feelings, pushing those I love away, and I am overly critical of myself. Someone once told me, "Your heart and soul are surrounded by a fortress of guards perched on a wall made of impenetrable steel who rush forward to protect you anytime anyone tries to get inside. " My only response is, "Self preservation, it's how I survive." Perhaps that is the most telling sign of adult children of alcoholics; they live in fear of being helpless or hurt by someone they love and have trust issues as a result. I know I do.

Learn more about this author, Isabella May.
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