by Dossie M Terrell

Created on: October 27, 2009   Last Updated: May 13, 2012

You have reared your teen to be independent and to make informed choices and now she tells you, she does not plan to attend college. From her birth, you harbored thoughts of one day seeing her enrolled in an Ivy League university with aspirations of becoming the next heart surgeon or some other noteworthy profession, but now she tells you she plans to work at a fast food restaurant until she decides what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

You will be disappointed, but it will not serve you well to badger her about her choice. If you complain it will probably make her more determined to excel in her restaurant job. Below are a few strategies you might consider in any discussions with your teen.

Be Supportive
If you have been a supportive parent all your teen's life and suddenly upon hearing her decision not to attend college, you become a shrew you will cause misery for both of you. No matter how disappointed you are or want to compare her with your best friend's son who is going to one of the Pac 10, do not do it. Do not put up a major fuss, but do let her know that not attending college is not the future you anticipated for her. The less fuss you make, the more thoughtful she will become and may even start questioning her choice.

Discover your teen's motive
You know your teen and you know the hot buttons issues, for those reasons you will need to find an opening that allows you to get to the real motive why she decided not to attend college. You can always use the love between you to bridge the chasm by saying something to the effect "you know I love you more than anything in the world and I must tell you that I am deeply hurt that you do not trust me enough to tell me the real reason you are not going to college." Say it with love, not with guilt or contrition. This would be a great over-lunch conversation.

Help seek alternatives
When you successfully break the ice between the two of you, be prepared with alternatives if she honestly does not want to attend college. Maybe she can train for a vocation that she can finish in half the time. If her decision not to attend college is based on insecurity or she does not feel adequately prepared for a university, perhaps she can take a course or two at a local junior college to bolster her confidence and her knowledge in weak areas. What you do not want to do, as much as you may love her, is to become her crutch. If she chooses to work in a diner or a fast food restaurant, you should charge her rent based on what the market is bearing in your area.

Establish beginning and ending dates for alternative training
If the two of you decide on an alternative, you should establish a start date and the date she expects to complete her course of study. If you plan to assist her, you should let her know the percent of help she can expect from you. You should continue to be supportive, even though the alternative may not be what you desire. There is always the possibility she will change her mind as she matures and as she experience the "real world."

Be mindful of the fact your teen is still maturing. It is not necessarily a bad reflection on you that she made a decision that is contrary to your own expectations. Be supportive, but do not become a crutch. Remember a teen that makes a couple hundred dollars a week may think it is a lot of money, but as an adult, you know it is not. Sooner or later your teen will realize that most jobs that do not demand a college degree are dead end ones and may want to attend college. Be there constructive advice and with unconditional love to bridge any breach between you and your teen.

Learn more about this author, Dossie M Terrell.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.