by Kim Russell

Created on: October 27, 2009

Parents and Dating After Divorce

Parents' separation and subsequent divorce are obviously extremely traumatic experiences for most children. If all goes as well as possible, and with extensive, focused parental support and encouragement, the children can begin to heal,. However, a child's healing can be seriously interrupted, or, in some cases, completely thwarted, by their parents' inappropriate social interactions. Newly divorced parents usually fall into one of two categories: "Never again!" or "Yoo-hoo! I'm single! Let me at 'em!" Both of these extremes can potentially create unnecessary trauma for the children.

Following parental separation and/or divorce, the time children can spend with each of their respective parents is naturally reduced. Prior to the separation, obviously, the children had access to both parents in one home. Following divorce, children now have to divide their time with their parents in two different homes, logistically leading to a decrease in the amount of quality time the children have with both parents. Children will naturally, then, be very protective of every opportunity that they have to be with mom and dad. When parents begin dating, they may find their children quite jealous of the time that dating takes away from the time the parents have to spend with their children.

Keeping the children's needs a priority, divorced parents can find creative ways to move on with their social lives while still supporting the needs of their children. For instance, most children of divorce spend alternating weekends with each parent. The optimum time for a parent to socialize and/or date is when the children are with the other parent. There are many positive reasons for parents to date when the children are not present: First, by taking advantage of the children's built-in baby-sitter (the other parent), the parent is available to spend time with their children when their children are in their home. Second, the children are not competing with some outsider for their parent's attention, which can lead to jealously, acting out, conflict, arguments and disastrous interactions for the parent, the child, and the outsider. Third, if the children are not present when the parent leaves for a date, they are, obviously, not in a position to "tell tales" to the other parent. "Mommy's new boyfriend has a better car than you do." "Daddy's new girlfriend is a lot younger than you." All divorcees can just imagine the reaction from the other parent if either

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