by Annie Duncan

Created on: October 27, 2009   Last Updated: October 28, 2009

I went to my doctor; Dr. "H" the other day because I was having a mini break-down. I was feeling anxious all the time and not sleeping. I was expecting a quick fix, maybe some pills to help. Dr. "H" saw beyond my initial stress and didn't give me pills, instead he gave me the names of a few Psychologists.

My appointment was booked and in apprehension I spent an hour trying on different outfits, putting on make-up, doing my hair etc. I wanted to appear together, not someone emotionally distraught, so she could see that I deserved a normal life. I wanted to pretend that all the abuse that happened in my life didn't really affect me that I was strong, just needed a little help to deal with the last little strands of it; that was causing my anxiety. It is the face we put on when we present ourselves to others; we dare not show our vulnerabilities.

I was nervous but in spite of all my extra preparation I still managed to show up fifteen minutes early. After I told the receptionist who I was I sat and waited. Dr. "M" came out and introduced herself and told me to come into her office. After sitting and going over the formalities she asked me what brought me to her office. I told her my doctor recommended counselling and that I had an abusive past that was still affecting me today and I wanted to get over it.

Dr. "M" said "get over it" should not be a goal; that is like telling someone to get over being in a concentration camp. I thought about that, my abuse was a terrible thing, it went on for years and it was from more than one person. There were patterns to my behaviour and personality that helped facilitate my role as a victim. I am not relinquishing the blame for all those involved of treating me less than a human but I am taking responsibility for myself which is a very empowering tool. I now know that I am not going to get over it, but I am going to learn how to deal with it and move on with my life and repair the damage to my soul.

Her methods come in three steps; the first step is to deal with the history. This took the entire hour and I am sure there are parts that I forgot and parts that were too bare naked for me to reveal. It was a painful process but necessary for her to understand me. It is like taking your clothes off in front of someone under very bright lights so they can see all your flaws. There are struggles with the last few pieces of clothing as being completely naked in front of a stranger can be unnerving. There are parts that I was afraid

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