by Janet Donaldson

Created on: October 26, 2009

Most of us have heard the phrase, blood is thicker than water. Well, not by much. Being siblings is purely genetics and/or social proximity.

There have been any number of studies done about siblings such as the effects of birth order, sibling rivalry, the pros and cons of being an only child. We humans love to study ourselves.

Mom likes me best! You're adopted! Go away, you're just a baby! While we are growing to adulthood, sibling wars are the training ground for moving into the world. There is rarely another time in our lives that we are so completely self-centered and ruthlessly hurtful to others as on the battlefield of childhood. It is here we learn the rules of behavior that will yield the social knowledge we need to survive in the world at large.

Parents have the duty to socialize their children, telling them to share, to not hit each other, and doling out care-taking responsibilities while telling them that they have to love each other. They are, after all, your brothers and/or sisters. Kids don't want to share, they want to smack their sibling because a favorite toy they were told to share was broken. They want to go out to play, not be expected to take care of the little brat. And love them? Is it any wonder that oftentimes siblings grow up to treat each other with less sensitivity than they treat strangers? Blood ties will bind, so is any effort really necessary?

Once siblings become adults, many of the feelings and teachings of childhood are carried along. Growing up, we have learned or earned our place in the family order. Older siblings may still feel over-protective or bossy toward younger siblings, the youngest may continue to have feelings of never being able to catch up, and middle children may feel they have to prove themselves endlessly to gain attention. There are expectations of love and forgiveness that may not be fully felt or met, and as we part to go on with separate lives, the ghosts of the past trail along.

Siblings do not recall childhood incidents in the same way. Ask any detective about how bystanders or victims of a crime will describe the perpetrator. When an event occurs, there will be as many recollections of it as people who witnessed it. The same is true within families. Siblings will have very different memories, or no memories at all, of what happened while growing up. Something deeply felt and remembered by one may not be remembered by another. On a subconscious level, this can be problematic when siblings become adults.

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