Before I had children, I thought I understood what it meant to be a good parent. Things were black and white and easy to define before I had a dog in the fight. Kids who won't behave in public were spoiled and they have bad parents. This isn't that hard....
Then I had kids.
My son has ADHD. I fought this diagnosis tooth and nail. I wasn't going to be one of those parents; the ones who dope their kids up because it's a lot easier than being a parent. Everybody agreed with me, at least all of those people who don't have a child diagnosed with ADHD. Hey, it's all "spare the rod" and all that. You need to be a tougher parent. Be more consistent.
If you don't know anyone who has kid has been diagnosed with ADHD, the child's parents probably went through the same process as I did. It's obvious to us as parents that our child is funny, smart, creative, all the good things that make them who they are, but everyone else can only see their bad behavior. And as a parent, it is hard to not just see the good things. They are different in the crowd of kids, different when there is more stimulation around, they act on impulse and many parents become frustrated with them. They are very hard to control in some situations, and they get labeled as the "bad kid". They get invited over to someone's house once, and they don't get to go back. At some point in the process, it becomes obvious that this is more than just and excitable, energetic kid. Many times, the child can't keep his hands to himself, or will talk non-stop. The chatter from teachers and doctors about "medication" begins to grate on your nerves and sounds like nagging.
That was us. We blamed everyone else for not giving him a chance, or his teachers because they couldn't handle him. He could read before the other kids in his class, and he knew all the math, he just never finished his math papers; just because he couldn't sit still didn't make him different. Sure, a lot of kids like to talk, a lot of kids can't sit still through math, it isn't just him.
To be a good parent requires something that I never would have suspected: an open mind.
After trying diet changes, rewards for behavior, punishment for behavior, screaming and banning him from TV, video games, the pool, bikes (you name it, we took it away), it sort of became obvious that Mark wasn't doing this on purpose. He wasn't being malicious or mean, or out-of-control because he could get away with it. He had ADHD.
So, we took the plunge. We talked to many, many professionals and parents. We started to attend group meetings about ADHD. We checked out the treatments and what worked, and we came to a place where we could finally help Mark. We gave him the dreaded pill. I thought he would become some other person, I thought all the sparkle in his eyes that made him Mark would get doused and put out, and I was scared.
There are thousands of studies of kids who take a methylphenidate for ADHD, and thousands of studies of kids who use behavior modification alone. Turns out that the only successful treatment, the only one with repeatable results across a large section of children, is the dreaded medicine. According to the Journal of Family Practice, every large random study shows that children treated with medication showed more improvement than those given intensive behavior treatment. And, when combined with the medication, the behavior treatment only provides slight improvement over the medication alone.
One week after we started Mark on the meds, he told me that he was invited to a friend's house for a birthday party, and he was supposed to keep it quiet because not everyone was coming. In his seven years, he was only invited to parties that involved every kid in class before then, and he wasn't even invited to all of them.
It wasn't just that easy, but it helped us to make a difference in his life. Two years later and his life is so much better. His grades are better, he has more friends, he is a sought-after soccer player for select teams, and he's happy. He has his bad days on the meds and we give holidays whenever there isn't much to do that day. He is still Mark though, just as crazy, still says all the inappropriate things (however, he thinks about his audience now), likes all the same stupid things I do. Just now, he can stop himself if he needs to. He can sit through boring stuff if he has to, and can listen in gym when he needs to.
And yes, we try like heck to be the consistent and attentive parents that everyone says will solve all your kid's problems. We do our level best with both his older sister and him to stay involved in their lives and keep a sharp eye out for problems, and to address them as early as we can. But after our experience, there wasn't a way we could not have helped Mark without medication. No amount of spanking was going to help him control his impulses. No removal of rights to TV and video games would have gotten him to control a problem which really is medical.
To be a good parent, you need to admit when you can't really solve things on your own. There are times you need to listen to the people who can help. And the funny thing is, that is incredibly hard.