Rape is the Reason for My Anger
We all get angry. It is a part of life. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right reason and the right way is difficult.
Anger is a stage of grief that we go through when a traumatic event is caused by the deliberate act of another. It may also be a sign that we are being hurt or that we are not positively dealing with an important emotional issue of your life.
We often feel anger when we feel an injustice has been done against to us, or when there seems to be no solution to a problem. Not everyone feels it, but many of us do. It is a natural part of self-preservation. When an animal is threatened or hurt, it tries to run away. If this is impossible, it will turn and fight; this is called fight or Flight mentality in a psychology response. Not only animals have the hormone-driven "fight or flight" response to perceived danger; humans do too. Our minds register emotionally and physically painful situations as threats to your survival. If we cannot avoid them, they often result in anger.
Anger often manifests itself as rage, outbursts, depression or bitterness. Dealing with this situation can be very distressing and can leave us feeling lonely and confused. Anger is also often misdirected onto the people who are important in your life; people we respect and care for very much. I myself tend to walk around like time bomb waiting to explode. Knowing why I am angry and who or what the anger is intended can help me control my anger rather than allowing it to control me.
My Evasion of Anger
Misdirected anger has been a real problem in my relationships. I must change the way I use my anger which will be the hardest things I have ever done. I know I've lost control over my thoughts and emotions many times in the past and I often let my anger and frustration speak for me. I had been pretty hostile to everyone. Sometimes my anger manifested itself inappropriately as meanness directed towards people. It is painful now to look back and remember all the hurtful and hateful words that I've said, hurting those closest to me. The words that came out of my mouth at that time seemed to be beyond my control, exploding from deep inside....at their will, not mine. There have been many times when I have yelled at people or picked up a fight with someone just because I needed to be angry.
I have even initiated confrontation with someone only to transform my anger into sadness. At some point my eyes would be filling with tears and I would feel totally speechless.
I have slowly come to understand that this is a trap. It is one of many traps that me as a survivor of sexual abuse has encountered on this long road to healing. Taking my frustration out of someone else doesn't make me feel any better and often just seems to make things worse because I've also experience the inevitable feeling of regret and guilt that follows my outbursts of anger. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, much less the feelings of some of my friends. I used my anger to push people away from me. I had to go deep within myself to admit that I pushed away those I cared for the most, perhaps because I was scared that they would find out what was really going on. I thought I could ease the pain by driving them away, closing off my-self to the hurt and rejection that I thought I would inevitably receive.
"My feelings were often out of proportion in situations. The anger I felt I later realized was often unfounded in that situation. I personally became quite upset over my behavior which, in turn, produced more distress for me."
I am now learning how to recognize the triggers and how to stop before I explode. Whenever I feel angry at someone I try to concentrate on what I feel. I try to figure out my real emotions underneath. By this I don't mean to suggest that it is good to keep feeling locked inside, but only that sometimes pain and frustration makes us blind.